Sunday, January 17, 2016

Two Muses

“There are, it seems, two muses: the Muse of Inspiration, who gives us inarticulate visions and desires, and the Muse of Realization, who returns again and again to say, 'It is yet more difficult than you thought.' This is the muse of form. It may be then that form serves us best when it works as an obstruction, to baffle us and deflect our intended course. It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.”


― Wendell Berry




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this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
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jbh.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Welcome to 2016 (and to insomnia) ...

So 2016 came through without a hitch here in Houston; personally, I stayed in New Years eve, sans alcohol and was in bed by 730pm (only to be startled awake around midnight by all the neighborhood gunfire).

I've made no resolutions as I don't really believe such are effective but I have set my course towards a more healthy lifestyle. My weekend habit of booze and video games has been replaced by more productive work (planning a new resume, job searching, home repairs, etc.) and though never really deviating to far from it's four year, ongoing course, my regular and important schedule of physical training, both weight training and running, is being analyzed and refined towards a more serious, goal oriented bent.

I'm excited about 2016 and the prospects it holds.


And then along comes this INSANELY *CLINICAL* case of fucking insomnia...

I'm not talking about the popular form of the affliction that so many folk claim to experience (and do) ... the random or regular losing of a few hours a night to tossing and turning, brooding or otherwise just not being able to sleep.  I'm talking about seriously life threatening bouts lasting for upwards of 48 hours or more of quite literally, NO SLEEP whatsoever.

I've never known anything like it and have no explanation for why it would be occurring. I do not consume caffeine after noon, generally on any given day of the week. I certainly don't partake of any illicit or otherwise recreational drugs or stimulants and for the most part, across any given week, maintain the same daily and/or weekly schedule.

It began occurring about six months ago, one or two days a week. Some weeks not occurring at all and then the following week, coming near nightly. As time has gone by and progressing up to the current day, it has magnified in intensity and occurs just about every week, at least four nights a week; oddly, the other nights, I might sleep rather okay, perhaps losing a few hours but coming from a 48 hour bout of insomnia, a 4 hour nights sleep is like paradise to the mind and body.

This, of course, has no connection at all with my ongoing efforts made public in jbhfile.com but it's something personal and recent that is greatly affecting my well being and so thought it worth writing about here on my more casual blog.


Historically?

I've traditionally, as a youth, young adult and now a middle aged man, had no problems with such disorders; I have always slept well and in fact, over the past 20 years (barring the past six months) have developed very tried and true meditative practices that have allowed me to put myself to sleep in as little as five minutes. Lately, though .. as this strange thing called "insomnia" has set upon me, these meditative practices do nothing to help.

I've tried all of the over the counter options for assistance and of them all, Diphenhydramine, an antihistamine (the main ingredient in Tylenol PM and the like) has been the only one that has been at times effective in helping me with the problem ... but it's sporadic at best and one builds up a tolerance too it quickly. The only other options, of course would be pharmaceutical grade sleep aids and I'm simply not going to explore those as I loath the idea of introducing such toxins in to my system.

But it's vexing to be sure. As I type, I have not slept in over 37 hours. I just finished a day at work and was hard pressed to simply pay attention to the matters at hand. I work in a very hazardous, dangerous and potentially lethal environment and this sort of debilitation is far and away the worst imaginable for such daily activity.

I've recently had discussions with a family member regarding the possibility of pursuing advice from a specialist if the situation does not better itself over the coming months; of course, upon visiting such a person would come mention of prescription drugs and I would flatly decline such an option as, again, I am wholly against the use of such potentially hazardous chemicals. 

Antihistamines like Diphenhydramine (aka Benadryl), I have been taking my entire life and know full well my tolerances for and reactions too and so I am not averse to the use of such but I will not go down the road of prescribed chemical experimentation. But perhaps some person specializing in the field could tell something via other means (blood tests, etc.) and so we have discussed it.

It's such a strange and horrible thing, insomnia ... affecting my physical training regimen (which is profoundly important to me) and also my work (which is mundane but necessary) ... and my hope is that it will disappear as quickly and as unexpectedly as it appeared ..

So coming in to 2016 as a new and hopefully great year ... I wanted to get that out on the intrawebz as one of the really strange, terrible .. but still  "new" phenomena that has recently cropped up in my life ...

Happy New Year and sleep well!!!


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this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
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jbh.

The jbhFILE.com Official Daily Blog

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Houston, Texas, United States
This blog is a supplementary text to my main website at: http://www.jbhfile.com. The purpose of this blog is to form a semi daily dialogue related to personal circumstances as outlined in jbhFILE.com. have fun.