Journaling is Fun! And in this case, absolutely necessary...

I live a fairly public life.

That said, I'm at the same time not much of the typical "socialite" or "party guy"  and nor do I have many (currently, anyway) friends who I spend regular, daily time with, doing the sorts of things I most enjoy doing: surfing, writing, building computers, going to rock shows, working out/training/running, competing in computing benchmark competitions, overclocking computers, recording music, shooting video, studying politics and literature and the like; I do most of these things, at home or out in public, but most times by myself.

I also eat out at restaurants on a very regular basis as well (too much, actually cause I really like Sushi and it's expensive as fuck three nights a week) and again, 99.9% of this time is by myself (unless a book counts as company because I've always got one of those or my laptop). I'm also at the gym at least five days a week.

Similarly, and for the past 13 years or so, I don't date or seek out the affections of women I might fall smitten with (and, just being honest, I fall smitten near daily; I enjoy flirting just like most persons and I certainly do flirt, but in no way does it ever move beyond that); this has not always been the case as,  prior to 1999/2000, when all this shit hit the fan, I was a rather regular guy in so far as relationships are concerned, having a few significantly important, long term relationships and quite a few of the "recreational" variety. I am approached by women occasionally and obvious affections towards me are made very well known (even outright, playful invitations) but I always digress from involvement; such things just can't coexist with my personal circumstances as they are. This is not a big deal, by the way as, like I said, I'm totally in love with my own company (happy narcissist and kind of proud of it) and sex...said plainly...is simply not a priority of mine as it seems to be with most other males I know (certain of my friends simply cannot comprehend that I was completely celibate for 12 years straight). I could write a whole blog post in regards to this topic of relations and sex and partnership but that's for later.


1 can be the happiest number too, you know

All of this is to say that I'm a regularly public and social person in so far as being seen out and about around my city, and that during these times, barring the very rare exception, I am always enjoying my own company, sans any other human accompaniment.

For the most part and firstly, this is because it's a natural state for me, being happy in my own skin, enjoying my own company.  There's a reason why my long standing and traditional surfing friends and otherwise have referred to me as "solo Joelito" over the years. ;-)

Secondly, the circumstances I've been involved in over the past 13 years have somewhat required this of me as, most folks (my pre 1999/2000 and traditional social circles and the like), after hearing the sorts of things I'm supposedly involved in, or that I'm supposedly the subject of some investigation, have long since very adroitly distanced themselves from me. In fact, I have it on direct verbal confidence of others over the years that in some cases such old, traditional friends were directly approached and told to actually cease any interaction with me (by law enforcement spooks and the like) ...

And it's all good...

I feel fortunate to have grown since childhood into an adult who predominantly enjoys being by his self as it's made circumstances that would be hugely bothersome to most persons, totally endurable and even enjoyable to my own queer nature; I'm in fact happiest when alone. My mind can roam free and I can move from interest to interest to interest without being encumbered by a wife, girlfriend, some family member, best bud and (thank god) any children who might be requiring my attention or otherwise insisting that I see to some thing other than exactly what I personally care to be doing at any given moment. It's quite liberating and indeed selfish (as is anyone's right to be); I enjoy this somewhat solitary living and, I aim to maintain this personal stance/situation for the remaining days of my life here, whether I'm ever successful in proving the ongoing attentions to myself and actions against my person are real or not.

That said...

Other than my housemates, whom I trust absolutely and who know full well of my circumstances around jbhfile.com and whom I've lived with for well nigh 7 years (or more)? And other than my co-workers (mostly family members), most of which have been brainwashed by their very real pals in federal and local law enforcement into believing that all my ranting about an investigation and misdeeds done to my person over the years are simple (and so tragic!) manifestations of an ill mind? There just aren't many other associates of mine that could speak of my daily personality and/or character in regards to the regular, waking social life I engage in, nearly 17 hours a day, every day (which leaves about 7 hours, on a good night, for sleep).

But I should qualify here, I mean, regarding my immediate family; among my siblings, there has been no outright denial of me, or otherwise, no expression of disbelief. They are all approximate of my own age and have grown up in the same time as I; and so, admittedly, versus my parent's antiquated sort of thinking? My brother and my sisters have minds a bit more dexterously inclined to accept the seemingly fantastic (thank you Hollywood!). In fact, my sisters, and one in particular, were essential, early on, in helping me to get through some of the drama and harm that was being done to me and during the beginning moments of these things.  And so, I do not generalize with that family bit, not in the least.

My parents though?

My father has certainly been coerced by his immediate and long standing East Houston social circles, even his fiance (as she's the mother of one of the Houston Police Department guys who has been active/involved in "investigating" me). My mom? Unfortunately, she's incapable of genuine rational thought as she's been so "flat lined" emotionally by her use of anti-depressants over the past 25+ years that she simply can't see beyond the Happy Haze(tm) created by such medication; any attempt to foster some sort of critical thought in her is generally smoothed over with a smile and a hug, like she's just casually patting the wrinkles out of a carpet or bed sheet (bless her heart). For instance, even after the second time I was covertly dosed with PCP, and as I tested myself in her presence, back in 2001 or so, with a pharmacy supplied "5 panel" urinalysis (at the prodding of a certain friend, bless him), even when said urinalysis showed a clear positive for PCP? Even then? She just smiled and patted me on the back, "Oh, that could be from all kinds of things," she said. I still have that 5 panel urinalysis card, too. Funny the things we hold on too, huh?

But other than these folk? My housemates, co workers and immediate family? There just aren't many persons (close, personal friends) to attest to my regular behaviors in public.

And, considering that the most prevalent and ongoing tactic model of those behind the investigation is to somehow, and legally, relegate me to a completely different living circumstance, a new home environment, a new job, possibly to a new state or city, even...and considering that the de facto and traditional method used as a means of realizing this goal has been (and is, since it's never been successful) to forcibly and wrongfully incriminate me around circumstances that involve questionable behavior and even more importantly, supposed tendencies towards memory loss and especially sexually deviant behavior? Then not having a typical close-knit, daily group of friends/confidants who spend significant amounts of time with me every day could, potentially, make arguing my way out of such a forced incrimination circumstance somewhat difficult.

And so, in large part, this is why I write here on this blog somewhat regularly; it's a way of putting myself "out there," so to speak, of conversing in a manner that's recognizably intelligible and as a way of constantly making the public aware that, well, I'm aware.


But a  Daily Log Might Help

As I will be writing about soon, my personal vehicle was recently in the possession of certain social groups that I have known to be working as active participants in the ongoing motions against me (my father's East Houston social circles); I'm going to author a short blog post about this as it should go on public record for sure, but in brief: I had some body-work done on my year 2000 Nissan Sentra which involved it being at a business associates (a body shop) of my father's for about a week. I initially protested this choice of repair shops but since our company was paying for it and since I just wanted to get it done, I eventually just went along with it.

This of course being critical as any number of things could have occurred during that time. Any sort of manipulation of that personal space of mine (my car) could have occurred which, a week or even a year from now might in some way be beneficial to those wishing to manipulate my life: keys could have been made to later gain entry and plant any sort of contrived evidence, surveillance equipment could have been installed, GPS devices, etc. All of that being quite outlandish and a bit of a stretch if taken out of context of jbhfile.com but knowing what I've been through already and to date? Knowing well what those behind the investigation still desire in regards to manipulating my future? It's not outlandish at all...

But I'll write more about the car thing, later...

My point here is to further compound the fact that these motions against my person continue and that, unlike the normal, unconcerned citizen? I in fact must reserve some small percentage of my consciousness, daily, for continual concern, to be always aware, always a bit on guard if you will...or at the very least? All the time prepared to deal with the sorts of circumstances I know the investigators would like to manufacture in my life.

This isn't to say I'm "hyper-vigilant" (as your typical psychiatry-whore might lust after describing it), or that I'm obsessive or compulsively bothered by such knowledge, as I am not. It's simply to say that unlike most persons, I have things going on other than naturally rhythmic living, unconscious and frivolous play time,  and a otherwise normal and unmolested working life. And so I have to take subtle, small but persistent measures here and there to compensate for this. The blog you are currently reading and my main website, jbhfile.com, are perfect examples of this.

A daily, public journal, for instance, is something I will be implementing very soon and in some way, it will be attached to each passing month visible in the right hand menu of this blog. This as a means of personally and very, very briefly chronicling the loose moments of each of my days and as time goes by.

For each month, it will most likely be a repeating entry, entitled something like, "Today" ... or otherwise, some simple descriptor. I'll simply edit the same entry each day, adding a new date header, with a very concise description of that days events (woke 4am; gym till 7am; work and home by 4pm; home and crashed by 9pm ... etc.).

Or, alternately (and this might work better as it won't so clutter this particular blog) ... I may form an entirely new blog dedicated to only those sorts of daily transcriptions... perhaps something entitled jbhfileDAYS.blogspot.com ... hmmm, has a  sort of  ring to it, no? ;-)

This certainly won't be a diary but it will be a fairly precise, if brief accounting of the days events. I've done this sort of thing in the past (though not publicly) and in truth, it's sort of enjoyable to end a day in such a fashion as I get a fairly healthy overview of what I've done and as well, can think about where I might like to change/improve.


But I won't be writing just for fun...

I'll be doing this for obvious reasons...but, it will not be for fun or recreation or because I just wanted to make something.

No, there will be purpose (if but simple) in my daily accounting of actions.

And so, pause with me now if you will, suspend disbelief, flip internal switches which relegate the function of such and consider for a moment a  rather fantastic scenario:

Say a month from now, I go to a restaurant and have a few drinks. Say I'm sitting at the restaurant one minute and the next minute I'm waking up in a holding cell of an incarceration facility, with no memory of the space between when I left the restaurant and when I woke in the holding cell. Say I'm then approached by some member of that facility I woke in who explains that I was apprehended by a beat cop while attempting to solicit sex from a prostitute and that my pants were around my ankles and that I'd even attempted to assault this person in some way? Imagine that I'm then told that a search of my vehicle revealed that I had several different types of controlled substances under the seat or in my trunk? Pharmaceuticals, heroine, PCP, cocaine? And that to make matters worse, questionable pornographic content was also found and some sort of feminine affects or artifacts that would need to be explained? And even more horrible (and this is actually a known desired ploy of the investigators but more on this in another blog post)? And even more effective in so far as casting me in a worrisome light? A light that would absolutely seem to indicate the "potential to do harm to himself or others"? Say a gun was also found in my vehicle?

Now it should go without saying, I don't solicit sex from prostitutes and any person close to me over the years, especially family members, should be able to attest to my rather vocal disdain of men who are so impulsively driven as to actually (the idea is incomprehensible to me) pay for sex. I don't hold disdain for prostitutes, not by any means. I myself have prostituted my body, when very young and addicted to drugs and needing money (it was actually my girlfriend at the time, similarly troubled, who put me up to the act); the details, though known by several of my close friends are not important here. And so having some history in the world, knowing a bit of growing pains and pain in general, I certainly don't hold disdain for those ladies (or men, even) who might find it necessary to so sustain themselves.

Similarly, I don't do drugs. Though I had a well known and publicly recognized cocaine addiction for about a year (that's all it took to do me in) as a 15/16 year old and though I actually did a little jail time for such shortly thereafter, I have never revisited said substance and nor will I ever. Nor do I partake of pharmaceuticals of any kind; I find such drugs completely abhorrent and frightening in their addictive qualities. I have at least one family member who does drugs and could even be said to be very much under the addictive control of such and I pity them, but I personally? I have a very firm and personal moral stance around such things and, not since around 15 years of age or so,  have I or do I indulge in such. I drink alcohol somewhat regularly, perhaps one (some times two) days a week but generally at my home. I don't regularly smoke weed either and am certainly not in the habit of purchasing such.

And I certainly don't drive around with a gun in my car and nor do I own one or even slightly feel compelled to have one; I simply have no interest in such things. But it's true that in so far as a fantastical and imagined scenario is concerned? One which has as an absolute objective the casting of an otherwise normal citizen in a worrisome light? Nothing would be quite so effective as drugging said person into a crazed and incomprehensible state and then feigning to have found that person with drugs and a gun in his car (just consider the current and outlandish political climate around such things currently and as I write).

But continuing ...

All of that was to simply (and not too expertly as I'm writing fast and don't really care much to edit) create an imagined scenario, one that, in light of what I've been involved in, is not hard for me to imagine playing out. Hard for you, as an outsider/reader but certainly not a stretch for my mind (which is fairly sound, BTW) ... ;-)

But should something resembling the above illustrated, false and fantastic sequence of events actually occur? What then would I do? What the fuck could I do? What would I say?

My only defense in such a situation would be to indicate my past 13 years of work around jbhfile.com and this blog. Also, the fact that I've documented my days well up until that point (via the implementation of a public journal I am discussing here), with at least a few family members and friends who could attest to the truth of my days and said documentation.

Of course, at that point, the obvious and cliche and expected argument would be some sort of mental illness on my part and that "this fits all the classic profiles" for text book schizophrenia and the like; it goes without saying (though I said it) that this would be the immediate rebuttal.

Hell, even if I said I had been drugged at the above imagined restaurant  that "someone must have slipped something in my drink," ... the organizers of the thing would claim that blood tests had been done and came back negative (or they were in the process of being done and would ultimately come back negative).

Again, this would be outlandish as a plain thought; but, as discussed many times, the political origins of this thing arise out of very real and legitimate local and federal law enforcement entities associated with my immediate family and to manipulate a drug screen wouldn't even begin to make a figurative dent in the resources these groups command. The results would come back negative (of course) and they'd simply argue that I'd had a violent and psychotic break brought on by the two or three drinks I might have had at the restaurant I was patronizing (two or three drinks consumed over about three hours, which is generally how long and how much I consume when I go out with my laptop to sit and write).

And of course, as mentioned, when and if I took it to the jbhfile.com or jbhfile.blogspot.com level, were I to indicate these works and point to them as a possible basis for my claims of the above scenario being manufactured?  The proverbial "they" would again immediately argue some sort of mental illness as the basis' of my indications. And further, ultimately, the very writings themselves visible in jbhfile.com and here on this blog, would eventually be argued away by some tool of the pschotherapeutic/psychiatric community as a vast and elaborate imagining of mine, a "manifestation of his psychosis," and that it is "indicative of just how troubling his condition is." And, I could even see an argument being made, in that light, that the immediate removal of such content from public availability would be "the first, best and most effective means of setting Joel on a course to recovery." Believe it. Shit man, I don't just make this shit up you know... ;-)

But in the end, they would be arguing that because I can't prove something, because I can't, in a matter of fact manner, demonstrate to others that such things have transpired? Or simply because those persons (several former and actual numbered informants to the investigation) who have actually and personally confided in me certain things related to the ongoing actions against myself cannot, for other very legal reasons, come forward and vocally back me in a civil suit, that this then gives them the right to cite "mental illness;" and that is simply not a claim of right that can be reasonably made.

But once in a legal setting? Once one such (as the above imagined) scenario plays out and once I am at the mercy of a court proceeding? Then no protestations on my part would matter as, though I for the most part hold our judicial system in a very high regard, though I feel it's practitioners (district attorneys, judges, and even a few lawyers) are doing an invaluable service to our system of democracy and our constitutional ideal, I nonetheless must admit that when the outright snake oil of popular psychiatry enters the proceedings? Then all bets are off as, unfortunately, the judicial system really has come to believe "that snow is black" in regards to the claims made by the practitioners of that inane, unscientific and self serving fraternity (psychiatry). By the way? That "snow is black" reference, just above? It's a direct quote from one Bertrand Russell, whose philosophy I personally and completely despise. I think the man an imperialist dolt, and his public thinking echos that claim. Just a bit of trivia...

But that horrible and imagined situation/illustration above is just that, a terrible and awful pondering and it has not occurred and so I don't want to dwell on such things (though I just did, if but briefly and albeit, necessarily).


And so all of that was to say this...

Yet in the event some thing like that does play out?

I would at least have a somewhat intelligible and coherent decade long trail of writing and data to point to. I would at least have housemates and co workers who could testify to my otherwise normal social behaviors before finding myself in such an out of character circumstance as illustrated above. And, I would at least have a daily log of my general daily actions...

I'll be implementing just such a daily log in the next few days.

I apologize to any of you who have signed up for the email alerts as changes are made here as you'll be getting them daily; you could simply unsubscribe if it gets bothersome. But then again, the more I think about it, the more it seems appropriate to form a completely secondary and separate blog to handle such daily, brief descriptions as the course of this one is somewhat set at this point.

Updates to come...

Yours in the strange and unbelievable,
Joel


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this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
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jbh.