Hardship and hard lessons and harder trials...

Man it's been a long time since I've written anything here!

The past few years have seen a slow emotional and mental evolution within myself that sort of makes having spasmodic freak outs and the subsequent knee-jerk publishing of blog posts related to such, sort of unnecessary.

This is such a fine, fine thing.

I can't tell you how amazing it feels to actually be able to inwardly note, with precise and solid indicators (like marking a child's height on the wall), how much I've grown in regards to the management of my own mind, my thoughts, and especially my emotions.

This is a personal process, something perhaps only I am aware of or can speak of, that has every reason to be called "heroic" ... if only in a Jungian/Joseph Campbell regard.

Read some Carl Yung if you need more clarification (even better Joseph Campbell, cause he makes it almost easy to understand) as I will surely not be able to explain that bit of reference to psychological mythos ... personal trials, challenges, victories .. and finally bringing the fruits of those victories back to share with others who might benefit from them.

I know it might be a bit vague, but I mean some thing *very* specific with that last bit...


So here is a distilled version:

If you suffer hardship and hard lessons and harder trials in this life of yours and if you choose to then sputter out and die? By your own hand or the hand of others? (both are constantly, very real possibilities, I know) ...  If you are actually killed, made to go crazy or otherwise expire, by your own hand or that of others? Then there is no shame inherent in either case, and you should lose no sleep in the contemplation of either. Said plainly? "It's all good! You'll be planning a come back before you know it!" ...

Alternately...

If you suffer hardship and lessons and trials and then come to understand the nature of such? If you then, against ridiculous odds, choose to study it over many years and come to at least *some* degree of understanding of it? Should you chose to own it? And if you then bring that knowledge back to those who were present at the beginning of your hardship, or even humanity in general? With the full intent of sharing it? Then that is what Joseph Campbell would call the successful realization of a "hero's quest" ...

(from the video below) : "He/she has to come back ... or his quest isn't really finished at all"

Ironically .. as so much of my recent years seem to be .. here is a little video/song I wrote/made around 1996 or so ... a *long* time ago .. talking specifically about this idea ... the Jungian idea of the archetypal heroes quest ... I even reference Joseph Campbell (a popular "town shouter" in support of some of Jung's ideas) ... except, I call him "JC" ...

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Regarding the psychology of a Jungian hero mythos?

The hero must always return to share some wisdom of his or her travails with the rest of the world; otherwise, the quest isn't really finished at all and the one thing said "hero" had quested for would be lost forever.

Think about it like this: if, in your travels and various difficulties, your myriad challenges and fights? If among such victories and failures you should find some life altering, some humanity altering discovery?  And if you chose to not share it with the world in a way that impacts the life of another human being? Then what good is that discovery? I mean, other than a purely selfish and personal gain? Then what good is it?  Cause then you would be jumping from Jung to Nietzsche and nobody really wants to do that now do they? LMAO ...

It's not even something I can describe adequately ... even with my formidable arsenal of metaphors and ghetto book knowledge!! ...


All that said..

The fact that my past 20 years have played out almost as a mirror to the idea expressed in the above video is quite funny.

I've had the choice of expiring or not expiring and I've always chosen to *not* expire (and on some occasions, I had no choice in such matters as it really was at the hands of others and at least on one particularly horrific occasion, I genuinely did expire but I came back ... true story) ...

I've been through hardship and hard lessons and harder trials ... and I decided to persevere (though there were moments of real trauma and doubt and there always will be) ... and I have decided to bring something back to share with others. Though I will be selfishly selective who I chose to share those things with ... cause I'm picky like that.

;-)

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An Unofficial analysis of The Hero's Journey

I wanted to post something that I found online which is just fucking *uncanny* when considering the course of my own life over the past 15 years .. not that I think I'm special or that I feel superior ... but more so because I've been through really horrible, really violent things and have come out the other side, having learned invaluable truths along the way and because of said things; I am not saying this is how everyone might come to understand higher things ... but more so, that it's the way that I discovered such ... and I am grateful for such training ... regardless of the trauma, and quite literal "near death experiences" perpetuated by the various assaults against my person along the way. All is forgiven ... (though I still don't trust you who have been involved, or any one associated with you, at *ALL* ... and I will avoid all of you if at all possible; mark me.).

Carrying on...

The following is just uncanny to me because I can map certain events from my life over the past 15 years to each and every "waypoint" along the way of this "syllabus" ... in remarkably accurate consecutive order ... and no, I will not explain.  

But things get fuzzy and unsure around point #9 ... which is relieving in a certain regard because, just as long as we are believing in voodoo? At least I'm way more than half way through all this fucked up shit ... 

LMOA.

So here is the list I was talking about (it's Jungian, look the dude up if your curious, or better yet, read Joseph Campbell; I don't have the time to pontificate. Shit man, I read all this dude's shit when I was 20; now that I'm 48? I'm not about to stop and explain. But this here bit is a great introduction to his idea of the Hero mythos:

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The Hero's Journey Outline
(copied from this page right here: http://www.thewritersjourney.com/hero's_journey.htm)

The Hero’s Journey is a pattern of narrative identified by the American scholar Joseph Campbell that appears in drama, storytelling, myth, religious ritual, and psychological development.  It describes the typical adventure of the archetype known as The Hero, the person who goes out and achieves great deeds on behalf of the group, tribe, or civilization.

Its stages are:

1.        THE ORDINARY WORLD.  The hero, uneasy, uncomfortable or unaware, is introduced sympathetically so the audience can identify with the situation or dilemma.  The hero is shown against a background of environment, heredity, and personal history.  Some kind of polarity in the hero’s life is pulling in different directions and causing stress.

2.        THE CALL TO ADVENTURE.  Something shakes up the situation, either from external pressures or from something rising up from deep within, so the hero must face the beginnings of change. 

3.        REFUSAL OF THE CALL.  The hero feels the fear of the unknown and tries to turn away from the adventure, however briefly.  Alternately, another character may express the uncertainty and danger ahead.

4.        MEETING WITH THE MENTOR.  The hero comes across a seasoned traveler of the worlds who gives him or her training, equipment, or advice that will help on the journey.  Or the hero reaches within to a source of courage and wisdom.

5.        CROSSING THE THRESHOLD.  At the end of Act One, the hero commits to leaving the Ordinary World and entering a new region or condition with unfamiliar rules and values. 

6.        TESTS, ALLIES AND ENEMIES.  The hero is tested and sorts out allegiances in the Special World.

7.        APPROACH.  The hero and newfound allies prepare for the major challenge in the Special world.

8.        THE ORDEAL.  Near the middle of the story, the hero enters a central space in the Special World and confronts death or faces his or her greatest fear.  Out of the moment of death comes a new life. 

9.        THE REWARD.  The hero takes possession of the treasure won by facing death.  There may be celebration, but there is also danger of losing the treasure again.

10.      THE ROAD BACK.  About three-fourths of the way through the story, the hero is driven to complete the adventure, leaving the Special World to be sure the treasure is brought home.  Often a chase scene signals the urgency and danger of the mission.

11.     THE RESURRECTION.  At the climax, the hero is severely tested once more on the threshold of home.  He or she is purified by a last sacrifice, another moment of death and rebirth, but on a higher and more complete level.  By the hero’s action, the polarities that were in conflict at the beginning are finally resolved.

12.       RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR.  The hero returns home or continues the journey, bearing some element of the treasure that has the power to transform the world as the hero has been transformed.

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(That's some fucking fucked up fucking shit right there, man.)


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this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
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jbh.

Changes have come and they are a come'n....

My life circumstances changed rather dramatically about three months ago ...

My roommate of the past 9 or so years, also a near life long member of a certain long standing political and intelligence group that I've been heavily involved with for the past 13 years, recently passed away. 

He passed of somewhat natural causes; he was in his late 50's. I will not go in to the complications that brought about his demise.

And recognizing the fact that I have not felt inclined to author any worrisome (or otherwise) bits here on my blog over the past year or more is evidence of the fact that my life, especially in regards to my ongoing living arrangements with this fellow (and our mutual acquaintances), has become increasingly more defined as something that could almost be called "normal;" it's certainly been vastly more enjoyable over the past five years because of my friendship with this person: I have worked the same daily job for nearly seven years. I have pursued my ongoing passion for high end audio listening gear, headphones, building custom computers, writing, reading, etc ... and for the past four years, I have been committed to a daily regimen of physical training, both strength training in the gym and especially, many miles logged trail running at Houston's Memorial Park mountain bike trails and can honestly say that I'm in the best physical, emotional and mental condition of my life; this latter bit regarding physical disciplines cannot be stressed enough as something that has become central to my ongoing happiness in this life. 

That link just above is to my personal Facebook page, BTW ... where, by intention, I make all content, at all times, totally public ... feel free to browse about, you'll find lots of porn and humor and nonsense ... and also some fairly serious shit in my "Notes" section; pardon the half naked photo, BTW ... but I'm quite proud ... four years ago I was well nigh obese and weighing over 230 pounds, today I go back and forth between 162lbs and 164lbs and maintain about 15% body fat; it's absolutely *centering* and therapeutic to pound my body into submission on a daily basis ... be it running six miles in the woods or spending two hours strength training in the gym ... it's a positively irreplaceable and productive habit and is one of the most important and fun things I currently get to enjoy in my life. 

Minor Concerns

His passing creates a few fleeting concerns for me, of course, and exactly related to all the drama and movements around me so acutely illustrated in the whole of my main website, JBHFile.com.

It is precisely because I have had a trustworthy friend and confidant over these years, some person that could absolutely testify to my daily behaviors when at home or otherwise not at work, that I have felt way less bothered by the very real movements that were made against me in the past: IE: "No, Joel was not smashing windows out of cars on the street last night cause I was home and up all night and would have seen him come and go." ... Or, "No, Joel didn't sneak in to the neighbors house and steal some woman's undergarments cause one, I know he's not some repressed freak and two, I was up all night and would have seen him come and go.".  (Don't scoff, this very last imagined scenario has already been attempted once in the distant past).  I mean to say, that considering there have been and probably still are, quite influential and determined folks trying to cast my person in a less than wholesome light via false incrimination and the like ... it's made a huge difference to share a home with a trustworthy and unswayable friend ... and the lack of this person in my life, as of now, is why I write.


So I'm living alone in this big ass house for the next few months...

Just three months prior to his passing, he had bought a new house in West Houston, where he and I had intended to move (from the other home we had shared for 7+ years). Ironically and sadly, the weekend we were to move, he collapsed in his room and would eventually succumb to his illness about a month later.

That said, and because the house had been paid for, his siblings (who inherited the house) have allowed me to stay in it on a rental basis through til March of 2016.

This is unbelievably kind of them and the gesture is not lost on me ... but it does create a dramatic bit of new circumstance for me regarding those persons/groups so often referred to in JBHFile.com who I'm sure would still very much like to manipulate my life in to some circumstance under their jurisdiction.

Said plainly, I'm alone in a nice house on a street densely packed with families and professionals (it is a typical, rather nice middle class street) and the opportunity for nefarious actions against myself, those that would undeniably benefit from the fact that there is no other  person living with me, are made 1000x more enticing to orchestrate).

I'm not too worried about this and I'm certainly losing no sleep over it ... but long standing and quite ingrained protocols require that I publish this bit in advance of my enjoying the next few months in this lovely home:

Oh yeah, here is is, by the way ... just snapped this shot today (12/04/15):

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Pretty dope, huh?  

It's super nice. My recently passed roommate had the entire interior re worked: new flooring and paint throughout and it's just pristine.

The truth is, had I my druthers, I would always rather live alone. I am a solitary person and prefer to spend any and all free time I have doting over my various interests and hobbies. I am a "tinkerer" at heart and never have enough time to see to the various pursuits I've chosen to be involved in (and no, that would *not* be amassing huge stock piles of underage women up-skirt videos) ... (humor, remember it) ... 

But the Fact Remains...

At one time and certainly today (because I know very well the nature of those who have set themselves against me), the desire of certain "forces"/agencies has been to cast myself in a sexually nefarious light. To do this, said agencies have used ongoing wrongful incrimination attempts which, across the board, have attempted to slot me in to some contrived circumstance that would seem to indicate that I am exhibiting some cliche' behavior associated with the gross and popular psychological "profiles" of such persons one might witness on any given night and on any given criminal investigation sitcom.

And just considering the absurdity of the above paragraph? It should be said...

I'm 48 years old and have *nothing* but a wealth of ridiculously wonderful relationships behind me ... both those serious and bordering on life long commitment and those frivolous, recreational and sexually playful; I have not been sheltered in regards to such things.  Not that it's anybodies business, but more so as a demonstration of the fact that I am not some closeted recluse lacking in sexual experience (though I really am a recluse and proud of it, but certainly not sexually closeted) ... I have to say, among those serious relationships and those not so? I would estimate that I've been with at least 40 romantic partners (I am Heterosexual, BTW) since I lost my virginity at the age of 15.  I mean prior to year 2001, that is ... when all this ridiculous and political and gross shit hit the proverbial fan.

It should also be said immediately following that sort of gross public statement above, that I have chosen to remain celibate until I have made some public resolution of these circumstances (namely, a provision of the Federal Bureau of Investigation documents, quite well known to exist by not only myself but many others who have acted as informants to the investigation, that will prove publicly that at least a degree of what I have written and ranted about over the years, is true). 

And it's true .... (other than one encounter with an "Old flame" a few years back) ... I have been completely celibate since year 2001.  I do not date. I do not ask women out and, should a woman ask *me* out, I politely decline (yes, this has happened and it hurt).  This commitment to celibacy is not the least bit problematic for me. At this point in life I am completely enthralled by the pursuit of my own personal betterment, physically, emotionally and also intellectually. I have very little time to myself outside of the pretty horrible day job that I work weekly (family company) and so when I have a few hours to myself? Honestly? I would vastly prefer to be alone. And besides, just regarding simple sexual needs? I can quite effectively see to those myself; I have no qualms with being a "DIY Guy" ... not in the slightest. And so far, no hair has grown on the palm of my hand.  

But all humor aside, a commitment to celibacy is essential as I've already seen two potentially great relationships with two really great females, completely ROUTED by the shit storm of social insanity outlined in my main site, JBHFILE.com ... one ruined by rumor and slander and one ruined because the woman in question had been coerced into attempting to manipulate me and I found her out (both horribly unacceptable) ... and I'm simply not going to go through it again. Thank god for internet porn is all I can say ,... 

I will write more about this in the next couple of days; this is a very loose, rough draft that it pains me to publish as it's most likely chock full of spelling and grammatical errors but since I've been living in this home, alone, for over a month now, I wanted to get these new circumstances out and into the ether while I had a few moments to write at the bar down the street from my house ...

Stay tuned for more as I will be filling in more important information ...

OH YEAH!!!  Almost forgot ... not that it's too related to this post but I have another blog wherein I have, quite literally, recorded every single days events over the past three years; it is not entertaining reading but it is *very* fucking thorough ... and it's especially important now that I am living alone....

JBHFile Days Blog

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this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------

jbh.