This should not come as a surprise to any of my family members (or anyone else close to me from that period). It's public. It's been public for decades. It has been addressed in countless therapy sessions of old; it is no secret and it has certainly not been left unaddressed in an emotional or psychological or formative sense.
It happened between the ages of 9 and 11. It was non-violent, and occurred over a couple years. That's about it. It involved oral sex (him on me) and not a whole lot else. There is no shame in me around this and fuck, I certainly have no problems discussing the event publicly (as I'm about to demonstrate).
Why Discuss Such History Here?
My reasons for having to (yet again!) discuss these moments in public is *only* because the psycho therapeutic "whackjobs" behind the ongoing, so called, "investigation" of myself are hell bent on slotting me in to some (legally mandated) therapeutic circles where such early year sexual experiences are not just simple experiences ... but rather, to the popular psycho therapeutic practitioner, they become, supposedly (in the victim's later life) nearly religious "sign posts," indications, hallmarks of the victims personal likelihood to, yes, you guessed it ... unknowingly and under the spell of that near magical childhood experience, become MOLESTERS themselves!! Oh, the horror!!
(I make a bit of fun with the above, dramatic intro...it's true. But I also think that popular psycho trend/thought is (mostly) fucking bollocks, personally, but for the sake of brevity, I will digress...)
So ... either consult my late teen therapy records or grab a bag of popcorn and get ready to read about it first hand, here in 2013 ... yet again .. mostly because I wouldn't change a thing (regarding my past) but also because somebody has to, at some point, stand up to the bullies who preach (pursue) the current day psycho-whackery. And in this case, it must be me; I am not pleased with this task but I undertake it...
So here are the sordid details, abbreviated as they may be...
The Details...
It was an older boy from the neighborhood that was responsible. He coaxed me in to the situation around activities that I liked ... fishing, the woods, etc. I never mentioned names in the old therapy sessions and nobody asked. But we talked about it.
At the time of the event, I was way too young to even know what molestation was, or that guys generally weren't sexually involved with other guys, or that sexual activity, it's very self...was something that a 9 year old shouldn't be partaking in with another, much older kid from the neighborhood. I just didn't know...
And besides, as 9 year old (and earlier) kids will do .. I had already had harmless little sexual encounters with others, much earlier in my short life and I figured this was just the same sort of thing.
So it happened...
Eventually, as I aged and socialized and started having girlfriends and otherwise maturing. I simply told this older guy (who I now know to have been a genuine pedophile) something of the following sort: "No. Fuck off." And yes, those were about the exact words I used.
And I never saw or talked to the guy again after that.
And after those late teen therapy sessions, I certainly never intended to cough it all back up in to some public forum (such as this) and nor did I ever expect to have a bunch of psycho-therapy whack-jobs completely OBSESSED with me and the idea that I should somehow, at 45 years of age, make said experience in to some current day "issue" or otherwise something I needed to flaunt around or identify myself with as a human being.
The Cult of Molestation
The above term is perhaps offensive to some of you who might find yourselves stuck in that strange world of "recovery" or "therapy" or "issues" or what have you; and, for that I apologize as I truly think those persons who remain bothered by such early experiences should enjoy and seek the assistance of the professional community should they find it necessary.
But on the other hand, as with the current psychiatric trend to medicate even the most minor of mood conditions, I find that there's also a similarly ugly trend on the part of the psychiatric establishment to, in a very real sense, "trap" their patients in what could only be called an ongoing spiral of shame and social/sexual discomfort; I mean face it, these so called "doctors" are in the business of making money and the very livelihood of their profession depends on a carefully maintained "herd" of abuse victims. And far be it from me or anyone else to discount the fact that many of them will manufacture the so called need for ongoing council and "treatment." Look up the term iatrogenic to read more about such.
I am certainly not claiming that the whole of psycho therapeutic practitioners exhibit this horrid tendency but I'm certainly saying those involved in the ongoing assault on my person, are.
And with most of this, I don't speak so much from my own experience as I've painstakingly resisted the "career molestation" circles for the past 25 years or so, but I speak out of experience with very real persons/friends my own age and whom I've known since childhood who themselves are very much embedded in that culture.
The folks I speak of, the real lifelong "therapy addicts," are the folks who, unlike myself (thank god) have really never even had any sort of normal social/sexual life because of the fact that they have been made so hugely (and literally) fucked in the head by the very process' which supposedly were to benefit them.
Really, it's terrible what's been done to these folk, the huge damage that's been done.
I know of men who can't even playfully and verbally objectify when a beautiful woman enters the room ("jeezus, her ass!," etc.) as to do so immediately triggers what could only be called a spasm of shame and discomfort.
These same men are the sort who have been coerced into attending 12 step programs such as Sex Anonymous and the like because they might have masturbated and felt so ashamed they wanted to commit suicide.
Other men I've known have been made to believe that there was something wrong with them because they might have slept in the same bed with their parents or some other inane and idiotic hat trick of the psycho therapeutic establishment.
Or even that childhood sexual exploration among their close friends of the time should be something of concern in there later life and must constantly be regarded as a defining characteristic of their adult self.
And worse.
I mean, it's a huge cluster fuck that these persons have built for themselves, all at the throne of some "establishment" which guarantees it's own longevity and very existence on perpetuating the supposed influence of such distant, early events.
I pity these people and am genuinely relieved to have avoided that terrible fate. Even if it means being forcibly cordoned to the confines of a minimum wage job for the remainder of my days or otherwise having my current day social/professional opportunities hamstrung (which has been the predominate method of harassment used against me over the past 14 years or so); to me, it's worth it. I simply cannot abide by the idea of sacrificing truth for the sake of personal comfort/gain and so I carry on.
Not a Vendetta
It should be made very clear at the same time that I am in no way on some sort of personal vendetta against the psycho therapeutic community. This is simply not the case. I believe the practice of psycho therapy has value and I know of many persons who have benefited greatly from interaction with the specialists therein...myself foremost among them.
That said, my reasons for writing here are far different...
I write and will continue to write due to the fact that the so called "investigators" involved in the ongoing case/assault against me are actively attempting to dredge up the above mentioned topics which I addressed as a younger man in therapy and to build a current day, public forum around such.
As discussed at my main site, JBHFILE.COM, one of the early defining characteristics of the investigators was to attempt to use any sort of "smear" or offense or topic from my past as a means to build a very specific current day image of myself. In other words, it's not my having any personal reason or concerns that would drive me in to such circumstances but more specifically, because they have a reason for it. They have a stake in again making such things public; they have things to gain from it.
Shit man...other than being stalked relentlessly for the past 14 years? Other than having every one of my social circles infiltrated and ultimately destroyed (along with my career as a software interface designer)? ... I'm about as happy as a lark with myself regarding things sexual and life in general; I certainly never find myself pondering visiting a therapist for fuck sake.
But as discussed before, in the end the motions against me are ego based. Further, the supposed legal reasons the investigation was based on so many years ago (going on 1.5 decades, now) and which I've never been able to confront, are in large part dictated to continue for reasons of "burden of proof," the legal jargon for a law enforcement agency having the responsibility to prove that their actions (and claims of criminal activity around a person) are in fact, warranted.
But because I'm not much into criminal activity (other than the occasional movie or .mp3 download) the ongoing efforts of the "investigators" and their cohorts are driven mostly by ego...needing/wanting to be seen as "right" among their respective peers and especially the communities that have been mobilized against me.
On a happier note
It feels good to be moving into yet another new year; considering what I deal with daily and nightly, 365 days of the year...I feel so very fortunate to have my sanity, health and at least some semblance of income with which to sustain myself (horrendous as the labor might be).
I had written some year or so ago about a personal physical routine of betterment and this is continuing into and throughout the new year. Over the holidays, I had a bit of a self-induced reprieve from such physical training regimes as I wanted instead to devote myself to recreation, "partying" ... and just relaxing.
And this is what I did.
I feel slightly worse for it, which is to be expected from fairly robust consumption of alcohol and fatty foods but it was also one hell of a hoot. I got out a bit, saw a few friends and mostly avoided any sort of official get-together as I simply wanted to relish the rare few days free of manual labor and work that I found myself blessed with. In other words and to employ a bad pun? I wanted to remain unmolested by family and housemates and the respective social gatherings they each hosted. This raised eyebrows, as it does each year as folks seem to think that being by oneself necessarily equates to unhappiness but in my case it couldn't have been further from the truth.
Anyway...here's to another year of truth seeking.
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this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
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jbh.
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this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
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jbh.
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