I haven't written here in a good while. I'll need to be doing that soon. There's a lot going on about the home of late and I, generally, continue to see to most of my elderly father's personal needs (technical/business/financial/etc).
The great thing is, I'm sleeping well and there's work to do which is enough to equal happiness.
But the father situation requires some attention as we do live in a void and it needs to be commonly made public/known that my role is becoming more and more, that of one who sees to every normal thing that an elderly person naturally has trouble with.
But that's coming later...
Sleep deprivation 101
Here I wanted to talk about the weird sleep deprivation episodes I went through some years back. Out of nowhere as it were. The following is from a post I made in reply to a person who was beginning to go through the sort of extreme loss of sleep that I had been going through at that time.
So I offered up what I'd personally taken note of and posted the following just as a sort of road map...
This was written in 2021 or so...
AND JUST AN EXTRA FYI!! - I should once more reiterate that the following text is my description of what I personally went through during a singularly unique period of 4 to 5 years in my early 50's.
And further, that at the time of the writing, some time in 2020 or 2021, I had already gone through the severe, episodic experiences with acute and complete sleep deprivation so routinely at that point that I had, like anything else I'm bent on truly coming to understand, made a clinical study out of the phenomena. Hence, when afforded the opportunity to speak on the subject, I was not at a loss for words or comments.
Furthermore, the below "symptoms" which occur when one goes through acute episodes of protracted sleep deprivation are completely episodic and anomalous when I consider the entire timeline of my life over the past 58 years.
And most importantly, especially when considering some of the other topics I discuss here and still have to deal with on a daily basis, it should be made very clear here that I'm discussing symptoms related to a non-psychiatric, atypical set of behaviours and experiences tied WHOLLY TO THE SINGULAR EPISODE OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION. IE, such things as I describe below, tied to a loosely arranged, chronological time frame, have never occurred in my life outside of the window described by each episode of sleep loss.
This is highly important to emphasize when considering some of the more primary topics I continue to discuss here, foremost among them being my father and (by extension) my entire extended family, believing I have been diagnosed, professionally and clinically, and officially, with paranoid schizophrenia!
Because, as you will read below and as many other persons who have suffered the same sort of complete and acute loss of sleep for up to and over 10 to 12 days will confirm: at a point, any individual, the healthiest among us, truly does "lose one's mind," so to speak.
And I can tell you firsthand, after several attempts to "thwart" or "avoid" or otherwise avoid the worst manifestations of psychosis that appear around days 8 through 12 with zero actual sleep? It is 100% inevitable that I or any other able-minded individual will and DOES experience similar levels of disconnect, no matter how rigorously one might prepare in advance.
At day 10 or so awake? At least for me? The mind simply and completely breaks. Read the medical journals; I have. And I mean the medical documents/thesis, and otherwise high-level writings from the medical field, which require the novice-level reader to look up medical acronyms and definitions just to make sense of them!
And I speak of the sort of study and clinical work that has come from REAL biological SCIENCE (not psychiatry), and there too you will find overwhelming confirmation of that claim of mine, which is based purely on my own personal experience and study of the "phenomena" (lacking any other word to describe it): past a certain point, any healthy mind will crack wide open after 10 to 12 days awake.
But with the below italicized bit, I am doing whatever I can via a reply to a certain Reddit post to assist/guide/whatever some other person who had posted randomly in a forum about being terrified due to them, themselves, personally beginning to experience something I had been through quite a few times at that point.
So, I was trying to help the person simply by letting them know what to look out for and how best to prepare if their own sleep deprivation situation reached the levels of acuity as mine had on past occasions.
So here's what happens when one is COMPLETELY unable to sleep for over 12 days...
2-5+ days awake
Major and increasing loss of equilibrium; the risk of falling, no matter your age, becomes a constant concern; for instance, at day five awake, after sitting on the couch, I might have stood and then attempted a normal "touch the toes" kind of stretch ... but the stretch turns into a roll, headfirst across the carpet and without warning.
Driving becomes scary. Flashes of light might occur; difficulty completing sentences, and especially writing, grows more and more difficult. Mild hallucinations begin and also increase, mostly flashes of light, sparkly points, many-colored, nebula-like swirls floating in front of the TV, etc. Ephemeral things, fleeting but certainly not "real and lifelike" such as those discussed below and after many more days awake.
5-10 days awake
All of the above escalate exponetially with each passing day. The loss of equilybrium is catastrophic to normal, physical movements. The mild flashes of light become presistent. The "nebula-like" swirls that would occasionally appear around days 2 thru 3 become persistent and will hang around the corner's of the TV screen instead of just flashing in/out, etc.
And in my own case, every episode where I've been awake beyond day 5 and up to the point the episode ends, always sees Musical Ear Syndrome (MES) beginning. BTW, MES is not an earworm or "having a song stuck in your head" or any of the countless other varieties of audio or mental audio that just about all of us go through at times. MES is something else entirely and when it first happened to me, was quite terrifying.
With MES, you literally hear strange songs, orchestras, shit you’ve never heard, emanating from OTHER AREAS of the house! Always from some white-noise source such as a computer fan or the shower running or even what could be called "brown" noise from a compressor engine chugging as I worked.
The first time it happened? I literally had a screwdriver in my hand, ready to remove the central AC vent cause the only thing I could think of was a family member might be fucking with me and had put a little radio up in the AC duct! I mean, it was the only explanation! There was absolutely, some strange, "old timey" or "honky tonk" song playing somewhere behind the AC vent and from further up in the ducting somewhere lol!! I lol now, but by no means was it funny THEN.
So MES is not at all like an “ear worm,” it’s a genuine audio hallucination that, thankfully, is well known if not fully understood. In my case, when awake past 5 days or so, the MES would always emanate from some other area of the space I was in, and from some sort of white/brown noise source.
Many other persons discussing their own experience with MES have often cited the same, that their own MES experience seemed to be mostly associated with white noise sources.
I found, after some frantic research, that Musical Ear Syndrome (MES) affects about 2% of the world's population. And discovering it was a “thing” was so great, and it actually became interesting once I realized it was an actual condition others have experienced, some permanently and others where MES was brought on by some other variable such as physical trauma or extreme distress such as that caused in the mind/body when being awake for 5 day or more might occur.
Also, here at 5-8 days, equilibrium begins to erode and eventually goes completely out the window. Falls are common, and the need to prevent them is constant. Driving is impossible. I have to get rides to/from any place I might need to go at this point.
Hallucinations become more lifelike and begin taking on more realistic shapes, not only of other people but also of common objects. A pile of tires in the distance will certainly be a Labrador sitting calmly next to a tree, etc. Then become the pile of tires upon closer examination.
Writing coherently, especially simple arithmetic or otherwise (like filling out invoices at work) requires a herculean will/effort.
Nights in the dark room are populated by animated shades and other figures that form out of various and common objects like a stack of books on the desk becoming a small motor car pirouetting in the dark, or a coat hanging off the closet door suddenly donning a top hat and waving at you.
10+ days awake
Complete psychotic break. Superpowers, solid, lifelike imaginary persons overlapping with the real world, etc.
At this point, you might spend entire afternoons in your room or car with someone who looks and speaks as real as your coworker, whom you've seen daily for the past ten years. You will believe these conversations and people are real and even go on road trips (real ones, which is dangerous) with them, which is where the very real danger begins.
Other, similarly lifelike hallucinations occur at night while lying in bed, like scrawny, insectoid-feline hybrid creatures, darkly and slowly creeping over your bookshelf, traversing the walls around your bed, looking at you, and even somehow communicating with you as though you are collaborating in some way.
These appear as real, solid, and lifelike as anything else you might be familiar with on a normal, daily basis.
The loss of equilibrium and incoherence mentioned above go without saying, but past day 10? The hallucinations then take center stage.
Micro sleeps are constant, and you won't have any clue that such has occurred until you've fallen and shattered your upper humerus bone and even then, won't know such was due to a micro sleep until after recovering from the sleep-deprived state and looking back on the events of the episode which, unlike the genuinely mentally ill, you can recall with exacting memory of all details while clearly noting such as distinct from the normal, real-life moments woven throughout.
Micro sleeps happen randomly, without warning, and are impossible to prevent; they are also easily lethal. Consider the implications of simply and literally becoming completely unconscious for 5 to 30 seconds, should you have decided to take a drive at this stage, which is something that I personally don't even consider past five days awake.
2 hrs of normal sleep?: Back to 100% normal.
All of the above is why the absolute psychotic symptoms described, which are brought on by being awake for so long, are referred to as "non-psychiatric" conditions. IE, they are brought on temporarily in an otherwise mentally and physically healthy person by an acute and sustained inability to sleep.
Even a tiny bit of natural, regular sleep returns the individual to their regular self. But the psychosis will happen to any able-bodied, able-minded human being 100% of the time, and if kept awake for 3 to 12 days. There is no stopping it. Similarly, it takes a couple of hours of genuine sleep to fix it.
The psychosis may take different forms from person to person, but it will always appear and always worsen in parallel with the time awake.
Acute sleep deprivation disorder is the general term. I've experienced "episodes" on/off for the past 5 or 6 years, beginning sometime in my late 40s; I am now 55. Before such events, I have always been what might be described as a "professional sleeper." I have always enjoyed it and been good at it, with no issues. And at least in my case?
The episodes have no identifiable environmental or internal triggers, being utterly random in that regard. My first experience occurred before any significant life events, and there are no known causes for any subsequent episodes.
In my case, it's happened frequently enough that I can feel what I describe as a "tonality" to the first day or two of sleeplessness that always precedes and indicates the onset of an episode. These heralding moments of sleeplessness feel distinctly different than the very normal bouts of "sleeplessness" or "insomnia" that I and most have experienced on occasion and throughout life.
When the episode of sleep deprivation begins, it's as though the "switch" that has always (historically) engaged the "sleep engine" simply never gets flipped.
These moments are (tonally) quite distinctly different from being bothered by something, mulling over a worry, or any of the other things that might go on in a person's mind and very often cause one to lose sleep. Here, the mind is clear, the soul content, and the living good. But the switch that engages sleep is somehow simply not accessible.
I haven't had an episode in about six months. This is legendary since before this time, I would have episodes every month or two ... sometimes even every two/three weeks, and for a good number of years.
At this point, though, having some experience with multiple episodes, when/if I feel one coming on, I begin a now routine preparation for either a mild or severe case, and it's standard procedure at these times to inform family members and friends of the upcoming, possible decline in my function past 3 or 4 days awake. I mean, it became a study of mine at some point, and I've only found a few others who have gone through it.
But informing family/friends is so that I can prepare to get rides if I need them and so that folks won't think I've gone bat-shit crazy (like at first) when I start referring to people who aren't there or talking about having flown to New York over the weekend to attend parties hosted by persons I don't know. All of this has occurred, but only in the past six years.
Another interesting point is that when an episode occurs, any/all sleep medication becomes completely useless. Nothing will stop or assist in arresting the onset of the sleep deprivation episode. It's like throwing pebbles at an M1 Abrahams tank. I learned this quickly, and so I immediately ceased any sleep medication I might occasionally take during normal sleep-life times (which is infrequent, even then).
But rest easy, Padawan. You're not even close to seeing The Otherside™ yet.
I hope you don't.
~s
