Friday, June 9, 2023

The Carnival Continues...

I'm a bit taken aback that I didn't think to publish here before starting on the most recent leg of my journey.  This of course being the trek outlined at and then replicated here at this blog and on a somewhat ongoing basis over time and weekly, daily or monthly ... whichever the case may be.

Suffice it to say, everything I've discussed here over the past decade or more (def more) is still alive and well, and considering the fact that I've recently started a new "job," it's become at least passingly/briefly necessary to make note of these developments here for posterity, personal protection or otherwise.

The Day Job

I've been working for the past few months for arguably the largest online provider of goods on the planet. Think two-day shipping and a relatively decent set of perks which include not only member/shipping discounts but also some fairly decent free movies.

My role is that of a warehouse worker.  I'm surrounded by upwards of 100 to 200 other similarly tasked individuals every 10-hour shift and these folk, demographically speaking, cover the entire range of possibilities when one simply considers a simple metric of "that are of working age."

So, therefore, the opportunities for the so-called "investigators" discussed here and at over the past few decades to play out (literal) daily theatrics and "skits" are many.  And these happen, have happened, and will likely continue to happen daily and moving forward.

Sad Times (ie: "Publics not safe")

It's an unfortunate fact that these days and especially in regard to anything involving personal space, sexuality, and social demographics, that one must actually be constantly vigilant of one's own movements in very specific ways and constantly.

As I wrote many years ago in another blog post here titled "Blood in the Water," ... when dealing with a large group of other humans who have all been conditioned along what might be called a forced, group-mind sort of trajectory and specifically in regards to false narratives associated with some other, single person's behaviors or even potential behaviors, ... it doesn't take much, if anything really, to stir that proverbial group-mind-pot.

I won't reiterate too much here but as mentioned in the blog post referenced above:

(S O U R C E)

"What might these very regular and normal social interactions mutate into in the minds of those who might have been made to believe any given number of horrible things about an individual as they observe these otherwise normal interactions? How might the general public (if under the spell of the rumor campaign) react to such an individual/target when he simply attempts to go about his normal social existence like any other citizen?

Well in short, it's fairly frightening, take it from me (but as mentioned above, it's gotten easier over the years); because, once the proverbial blood is in the water, once the seed has been planted in that "social mind," then even the most benign of public interactions, all of them in fact, can grow into literal and imaginary monsters in the minds of the observing public: mere glances become the apparent evidence of inappropriate attraction; simply pulling behind the wrong car when leaving from a restaurant might be interpreted as possible signs of stalking or predation; and, casual banter with certain individuals? A sure sign of possible sexual predatory behavior."


So in the interest of keeping things short and since I'm about to get ready to go to work.

I wanted to add this placeholder here because as alluded to above, it's truly sad but a fact that all it takes is one or two persons at the most to simply collaborate on a simple and agreed upon lie to immediately cast some other person in a questionable light.  In my case, these metaphorical lights are resplendently bright and fueled by a seemingly endless supply of power.

So in public and in life in general, first I simply keep to myself.  At 55 years of age and with at least 10 personal projects I'm always wanting to advance, this is the desired (and appropriate) trajectory for me moving forward in life this time around.

Secondly, I've very much with Keanu Reeves in regard to his own interactions with the general public.  Just google the photos taken of him with his fans when so often he seems to be embracing one or two or even many individuals for fan photos and the like.  The careful observer will note that in every single instance of such, Keanu is pointedly (and skillfully at that!) always sure to show his hands, intentionally but deftly extended into some other area of the photograph, clearly visible and clearly demonstrating that he is not touching anyone.

Keanu is smart, at least in this regard. I take his lead and then add to it.

And since my new work is indeed a very social one and I am indeed surrounded by all sorts of (one would hope) reasonably good people, I am at the same time being absolutely subjected to constant instances of "street theatre" and/or psychosocial theatrics which all revolve around the same weary topics discussed ad infinitum here and at and which have been occurring for nearly 25 years now in my daily social life.

And as Keanu clearly understands, all it takes is one lie.  One witness account of some contrived behavior on the part of some other person is all it takes to nudge that hideous ball/machine into rolling.  And so I mind my spaces.  And I do everything I can to not look at another person unless my job or the natural nuances of conversation and interaction call for it. I am not unskilled in these things and in fact, enjoy conversation and socializing but the particular environment I work in does not allow for much, if any of such, and in a way this is good. 

This conscious effort to quite literally avoid any needless or unproductive personal attention (eye contact, non-productive and/or gratuitous social banter, etc.) with others around oneself in a regular social circumstance began long ago when taking on a strength training regimen at a local gym. And it's been supremely interesting to practice and get better at.  

I'm still amazed at how deliciously difficult of a thing it is to actually do!  I would def recommend it as a personal, developmental challenge to anybody really.  I've gotten many times better at it over the years but it remains a fun process and one I'm far from perfecting.  Factor in pointed and daily theatrics, quite literally and actively scripted to supposedly illicit certain internal or otherwise nervous responses in a targeted individual and it becomes exponentially more challenging to succeed.

But circle back now to the one lie.  It's always a possibility and so therefore this brief bit of writing is a public acknowledgment of such and on the chance that such might occur.

It's really not that big of a deal but here is a very recent example of the types of "theatrics" or "scripting" I see played out every and with myself as the subject.  Just the other day while working, a certain individual, oddly a gay, younger man casually passed me from behind and quite deliberately ran his hand up the inner areas of my rib cage and nearly from torso to armpit.  It was deliberate and clearly intentional.  I also know it was clearly theatre and not some naturally aberrant quirk of this young man's behavior.  

I'd have preferred it to be somebody else, though. I don't know, maybe Kate Blanchett or Ann Magnuson lol.  Maybe then it might have elicited the expected (or even possible lol) response that the organizers of such ruses might like to see but if there is one thing I've found is that said organizers will never attain that point of satisfaction.  These persons are obviously compelled by something having its origins from within their own personal experience or psyche and not at all within the realm of possibilities regarding my own inner state or potentialities and after nearly three decades of such, it's fairly clear they will never be satisfied.

So circle back again to the one lie.  

I would concoct a loose syllogism if I had more time and in fact, have to suppress the desire to do so lol.

Anyway. More later.  I'm actually quite pleased I recently remembered this blog/public account and that it was still available to quickly note thoughts like this.  But I had (perhaps dumbly) forgotten the necessity of such...


Sunday, September 4, 2022

From a Dream...

 09/04/22 – 05:00am

Now a new scene, also totally different…

Here I am flying. I am hurtling along just above the downtown city rooftops at an extraordinary rate of speed. I am thrilled by the feeling of flight and amazed at how closely I skim the rooftops with their graveled compound surfaces and walls and borders. The terrain which I speed over and around is all modern city rooftops. There are new construction structures and large roof-mounted air conditioning units arranged randomly throughout the course I fly.

I am amazed at the agility with which I navigate these objects as I smoothly zip forward dodging this structure or that, banking deftly left and then right, pitching quickly up or down in order that I might not strike any of the various and typical structures common to city rooftops. I fly within inches of these objects as I skillfully swoop this way or that, left or right, up or down, to narrowly avoid impact.

In this fight, this high-speed, free-floating gauntlet-like course that I traverse, all of my movements are smooth. There is never a jerk or violent change of direction. I fly through this rooftop cityscape as a pro and one who is in complete control of one’s movements.

Throughout, I constantly stare in wonder at how such a thing is possible as I am moving at a great rate of speed (perhaps 100+mhp?), and impacting any of the structures I so closely navigate would assuredly mean death or maiming at the very minimum. But I continue without incident. The hard edges and right-angle corners of the air conditioning units fly past, oddly not “as a blur” the way things seem to do when moving at such a velocity. On the contrary, all of these structures, the rooftop stairwell doors, AC units, ledges, wiring, and electric boxes are rendered in absolute clarity as I bank and swoop among them.

Everything there is dark or light browns and greys and grey blues, the colors common to an environment comprised mostly of industrial but well machined outdoor equipment. There are flat, clean greys and darker, more blue-grey surfaces. There are brown doors flying by with flat, cleanly polished aluminum grey door knobs. The rooftop surface is either dark black and grey asphalt or asphalt covered with small brown or tan stones. Out and around me as I fly through these structures, extends the city proper and it is huge.

The city beyond the walls of the rooftops extends outward in all directions and I am aware of it but not in such clarity as I am of my immediate surroundings. But it is there and it is looming. It recedes without end outside of my site and towards every peripheral horizon.

Throughout this brief but exciting moment, I am both thrilled and slightly afraid. I am reminded of those enthusiasts in waking life who wear their “wing suits” and intentionally jump from the tallest of mountain peaks, at the edge of the breathable atmosphere at times, only to plummet back down to earth in their wingsuit.

These wingsuit enthusiasts make a point to hug the mountain wall in their descent as closely and as precipitously as possible, at times flying within a few feet of the mountain face or swooping through the mountain’s natural bridges or arches or overhangs. Among that crowd, such danger is sought out and the degree to which one can flirt with demise as they make their descent is the same degree of admiration that they in turn receive among their peers and especially from the random onlooker.

Suddenly, as I fly, I somehow realize or think that I am a drone. I mean, one of the four prop, electric machines so popular these days and that have made such a very real and major impact not only on recreation but especially and more importantly in industry, production and film making.

It’s another conversation but the impact that drone technology has made since being readily and dependably useable has been so great and across so many areas of life and work that I sometimes refer to there being a “pre drone era” and a “post drone era,” such is the lasting change and impact I feel these machines to have made (entertainment, recreation, film making, surveying, disaster reconnaissance, construction…the list of positive contributions made by the tech is endless.

But back to my flying scene…

I realize then that I am not wholly in control of anything here and in regard to my movement among the buildings. As soon as the thought of drones and wingsuits comes to my sleep-life mind, I realize then that I am not, myself a drone but I am somehow attached to one, even fused with one and that some other force compels and directs this drone-me-self along these rooftops and flits me dexterously among the many obstacles that occur along our course.

Here again, another waking-life moment comes to mind. My view of the surroundings, the course I take through the rooftops’ ever-changing topography, the objects and structures I zip through and around? It all feels and looks exactly like the pilot’s view seen and displayed so often on television and as part of the very popular “drone racing” competitions that are occasionally available on most cable networks. That analogy best describes my flight and my perception of the same. Of special note is the speed that the drones travel in those races, the fact that the very point of the race is to navigate structures at the highest speed possible, and that the perceived motion of the vehicle, from the pilot’s “camera eye” perspective, comes across as almost out of control but still, just barely, controlled enough to not make an impact with any of the surroundings.

In the same scene, I am, in degrees, more and more acutely aware of the drone as an object separate from myself, and in fact, it then becomes completely distinct from myself and I am required to actually affix my arms and legs about this object as we hurtle along! I cling there then like a crab, almost employing what might be called a full body bear hug of sorts, this being the only means of my now staying connected to the craft.

Then, without warning, we have shot up and out of the close confines of the rooftops to begin a straight, rapidly accelerating, and vertical ascent through the sky and up towards the upper atmosphere! My speed increases dramatically, like that of a rocket leaving orbit. I am heading straight up in the sky, ever-accelerating and I am more and more aware that the only thing keeping me attached to the now rather small vehicle which propels us is my own arms grasped tightly about it! I am otherwise in no way fastened to the object, now miles above the earth and still increasing in speed.

I am then quite concerned. I am not fear stricken or panicked in anyway way. I am merely worried that at such a speed and height, I may not be able to retain my grasp on the small object and possibly plummet to my demise if we encountered turbulence or some other event that might slightly jostle me or bump me in a way that might result in my losing purchase on my tiny craft.

The object to which I cling is then clearly noted to be a small cushion or pillow of sorts! It measures approximately 2×2 feet square, the same as a common “throw pillow” or pillow that one might place as both adornments and as a functional headrest on one’s couch in a living type environment. I do not find this odd but I am more and more bothered at the size of this small vessel/pillow and my difficulty in maintaining a sure grip on it. I constantly find myself rearranging my arms so as to better my grasp on the thing.

Then, miles above the earth, I am then hurtling straight back down at an even greater rate of speed. I do not remember the transition from ascent to descent but simply find myself descending.

Then there is a third party present as I plummet towards the ground. This person is more so there as an unseen narrator than he is as an actual, visible person. He is commenting on my descent, much the same way an airline pilot would make regular “cabin calls” to the passengers with periodic updates regarding their flight.

I do not recall his words precisely but he speaks in a plain manner, neither friendly nor threatening but simply informing. He seems to be aware of my concern regarding the close and ever-approaching ground as well as the impact that necessarily awaits. At that point, I think, “How could any object traveling this fast and already so close to the ground, stop itself? It’s an impossibility of physics!”.

And the narrator-voice comments almost in reply, saying something like, “Yes. That is what you will now come to know. You will know exactly what it’s like to fall at that rate of speed and you will know what it feels like to reach the ground.”

With the man’s last words, I am not afraid but rather calmly concerned but, strangely, also curious as to what it will be like to impact the ground at that rate of descent (supersonic, it seemed) and I’m actually a bit excited as to whether it will hurt or be unnoticeable. I wonder if I will simply pass through the ground or perhaps instantly evaporate, this latter possibility being the most likely and in line with my amateur knowledge of waking-life physics.

Then, perhaps the oddest and most distinctly remembered moment of the flight is the actual moment when we meet the ground.

Here every science fiction novel I’ve read comes to mind. I mean the sort of books that envision technological futures that have seen the development of scientific methods and are based on undiscovered principles so far advanced as to be outside of our current, real-life knowledge of physics and the space within which we physically live and especially in how we are able to currently bend such to our will.

I think of these works of fiction because what happens at the point of my being a mere three to four feet from impact might only be described in such a work of science fiction. I mean to say that what happens next is certainly the “stuff of dreams” and or scientific possibilities that might one day be realized but which are still hundreds or even thousands of years from being developed.

And as I reach the ground, still traveling at a supersonic rate of speed, there sets in motion a sort of physics-defying sequence of events that somehow gently and in otherwordly degrees, lessens my speed and I land safely and without injury. During the microseconds-long moment of impossible arrest in my motion, I am keenly aware of it being just that, a complete impossibility.

As my fall is arrested and slowed, just mere feet from the ground, from 1000+ mph to resting gently on the ground, I feel as though some sort of force field type technology was the only means via which such a halt could be made without tearing an individuals body to bits in the process; as mentioned, such an event is outside the bounds of physics and therefore would require very special tech indeed (magic even?) to achieve.

It’s as though there is a dense, unseen, protective buffer that eases my body in a form of near instantaneous deceleration that is comfortable, effortless, and smooth; I can actually feel this force at work around every part of the exterior of my body like an invisible repellant layer of sorts that somehow cushions me from the forces of gravity and velocity that would otherwise, basically, cause ones physical body to completely evaporate in such a scenario. Again I recall countless science fiction novels that I have read, faster than light travel or otherwise, where technology is employed to protect the frail human form from being harmed in the process and when exposed to such violent and unbelievable adjustments in speed.

Here an analogy of sorts comes to mind as I struggle to describe that strange and impossible moment of instant deceleration and the bodily sensation experienced at the time.

I am reminded of the invisible but sure force one can experience in waking life when attempting to join the positive surface of a strong magnet with the positive surface of another strong magnet, that invisible but repellant force that prevents one from doing so. With the magnet analogy, there is also the fact that the degree of repellency increases in proportion to the closeness of either magnet surface; it is not a hard stop but a gradual but swiftly occurring resistance one experiences with the two magnets and this is exactly how it felt in those microseconds that it took for me to go from a subsonic descent to a calm, safe, and resting state on the ground. It is perhaps the highlight of that entire flight scene.

I realize I did not smash upon the earth’s surface and am unharmed. There is no other imagery and here the sleep-life ends and I wake, happy to have not had a repeat of the sleepless night before and glad to have something to write down…


Monday, January 4, 2016

Welcome to 2016 (and to insomnia) ...

So 2016 came through without a hitch here in Houston; personally, I stayed in New Years eve, sans alcohol and was in bed by 730pm (only to be startled awake around midnight by all the neighborhood gunfire).

I've made no resolutions as I don't really believe such are effective but I have set my course towards a more healthy lifestyle. My weekend habit of booze and video games has been replaced by more productive work (planning a new resume, job searching, home repairs, etc.) and though never really deviating to far from it's four year, ongoing course, my regular and important schedule of physical training, both weight training and running, is being analyzed and refined towards a more serious, goal oriented bent.

I'm excited about 2016 and the prospects it holds.

And then along comes this INSANELY *CLINICAL* case of fucking insomnia...

I'm not talking about the popular form of the affliction that so many folk claim to experience (and do) ... the random or regular losing of a few hours a night to tossing and turning, brooding or otherwise just not being able to sleep.  I'm talking about seriously life threatening bouts lasting for upwards of 48 hours or more of quite literally, NO SLEEP whatsoever.

I've never known anything like it and have no explanation for why it would be occurring. I do not consume caffeine after noon, generally on any given day of the week. I certainly don't partake of any illicit or otherwise recreational drugs or stimulants and for the most part, across any given week, maintain the same daily and/or weekly schedule.

It began occurring about six months ago, one or two days a week. Some weeks not occurring at all and then the following week, coming near nightly. As time has gone by and progressing up to the current day, it has magnified in intensity and occurs just about every week, at least four nights a week; oddly, the other nights, I might sleep rather okay, perhaps losing a few hours but coming from a 48 hour bout of insomnia, a 4 hour nights sleep is like paradise to the mind and body.

This, of course, has no connection at all with my ongoing efforts made public in but it's something personal and recent that is greatly affecting my well being and so thought it worth writing about here on my more casual blog.


I've traditionally, as a youth, young adult and now a middle aged man, had no problems with such disorders; I have always slept well and in fact, over the past 20 years (barring the past six months) have developed very tried and true meditative practices that have allowed me to put myself to sleep in as little as five minutes. Lately, though .. as this strange thing called "insomnia" has set upon me, these meditative practices do nothing to help.

I've tried all of the over the counter options for assistance and of them all, Diphenhydramine, an antihistamine (the main ingredient in Tylenol PM and the like) has been the only one that has been at times effective in helping me with the problem ... but it's sporadic at best and one builds up a tolerance too it quickly. The only other options, of course would be pharmaceutical grade sleep aids and I'm simply not going to explore those as I loath the idea of introducing such toxins in to my system.

But it's vexing to be sure. As I type, I have not slept in over 37 hours. I just finished a day at work and was hard pressed to simply pay attention to the matters at hand. I work in a very hazardous, dangerous and potentially lethal environment and this sort of debilitation is far and away the worst imaginable for such daily activity.

I've recently had discussions with a family member regarding the possibility of pursuing advice from a specialist if the situation does not better itself over the coming months; of course, upon visiting such a person would come mention of prescription drugs and I would flatly decline such an option as, again, I am wholly against the use of such potentially hazardous chemicals. 

Antihistamines like Diphenhydramine (aka Benadryl), I have been taking my entire life and know full well my tolerances for and reactions too and so I am not averse to the use of such but I will not go down the road of prescribed chemical experimentation. But perhaps some person specializing in the field could tell something via other means (blood tests, etc.) and so we have discussed it.

It's such a strange and horrible thing, insomnia ... affecting my physical training regimen (which is profoundly important to me) and also my work (which is mundane but necessary) ... and my hope is that it will disappear as quickly and as unexpectedly as it appeared ..

So coming in to 2016 as a new and hopefully great year ... I wanted to get that out on the intrawebz as one of the really strange, terrible .. but still  "new" phenomena that has recently cropped up in my life ...

Happy New Year and sleep well!!!

this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website,; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.


Saturday, December 19, 2015

Hardship and hard lessons and harder trials...

Man it's been a long time since I've written anything here!

The past few years have seen a slow emotional and mental evolution within myself that sort of makes having spasmodic freak outs and the subsequent knee-jerk publishing of blog posts related to such, sort of unnecessary.

This is such a fine, fine thing.

I can't tell you how amazing it feels to actually be able to inwardly note, with precise and solid indicators (like marking a child's height on the wall), how much I've grown in regards to the management of my own mind, my thoughts, and especially my emotions.

This is a personal process, something perhaps only I am aware of or can speak of, that has every reason to be called "heroic" ... if only in a Jungian/Joseph Campbell regard.

Read some Carl Yung if you need more clarification (even better Joseph Campbell, cause he makes it almost easy to understand) as I will surely not be able to explain that bit of reference to psychological mythos ... personal trials, challenges, victories .. and finally bringing the fruits of those victories back to share with others who might benefit from them.

I know it might be a bit vague, but I mean some thing *very* specific with that last bit...

So here is a distilled version:

If you suffer hardship and hard lessons and harder trials in this life of yours and if you choose to then sputter out and die? By your own hand or the hand of others? (both are constantly, very real possibilities, I know) ...  If you are actually killed, made to go crazy or otherwise expire, by your own hand or that of others? Then there is no shame inherent in either case, and you should lose no sleep in the contemplation of either. Said plainly? "It's all good! You'll be planning a come back before you know it!" ...


If you suffer hardship and lessons and trials and then come to understand the nature of such? If you then, against ridiculous odds, choose to study it over many years and come to at least *some* degree of understanding of it? Should you chose to own it? And if you then bring that knowledge back to those who were present at the beginning of your hardship, or even humanity in general? With the full intent of sharing it? Then that is what Joseph Campbell would call the successful realization of a "hero's quest" ...

(from the video below) : "He/she has to come back ... or his quest isn't really finished at all"

Ironically .. as so much of my recent years seem to be .. here is a little video/song I wrote/made around 1996 or so ... a *long* time ago .. talking specifically about this idea ... the Jungian idea of the archetypal heroes quest ... I even reference Joseph Campbell (a popular "town shouter" in support of some of Jung's ideas) ... except, I call him "JC" ...



Regarding the psychology of a Jungian hero mythos?

The hero must always return to share some wisdom of his or her travails with the rest of the world; otherwise, the quest isn't really finished at all and the one thing said "hero" had quested for would be lost forever.

Think about it like this: if, in your travels and various difficulties, your myriad challenges and fights? If among such victories and failures you should find some life altering, some humanity altering discovery?  And if you chose to not share it with the world in a way that impacts the life of another human being? Then what good is that discovery? I mean, other than a purely selfish and personal gain? Then what good is it?  Cause then you would be jumping from Jung to Nietzsche and nobody really wants to do that now do they? LMAO ...

It's not even something I can describe adequately ... even with my formidable arsenal of metaphors and ghetto book knowledge!! ...

All that said..

The fact that my past 20 years have played out almost as a mirror to the idea expressed in the above video is quite funny.

I've had the choice of expiring or not expiring and I've always chosen to *not* expire (and on some occasions, I had no choice in such matters as it really was at the hands of others and at least on one particularly horrific occasion, I genuinely did expire but I came back ... true story) ...

I've been through hardship and hard lessons and harder trials ... and I decided to persevere (though there were moments of real trauma and doubt and there always will be) ... and I have decided to bring something back to share with others. Though I will be selfishly selective who I chose to share those things with ... cause I'm picky like that.



An Unofficial analysis of The Hero's Journey

I wanted to post something that I found online which is just fucking *uncanny* when considering the course of my own life over the past 15 years .. not that I think I'm special or that I feel superior ... but more so because I've been through really horrible, really violent things and have come out the other side, having learned invaluable truths along the way and because of said things; I am not saying this is how everyone might come to understand higher things ... but more so, that it's the way that I discovered such ... and I am grateful for such training ... regardless of the trauma, and quite literal "near death experiences" perpetuated by the various assaults against my person along the way. All is forgiven ... (though I still don't trust you who have been involved, or any one associated with you, at *ALL* ... and I will avoid all of you if at all possible; mark me.).

Carrying on...

The following is just uncanny to me because I can map certain events from my life over the past 15 years to each and every "waypoint" along the way of this "syllabus" ... in remarkably accurate consecutive order ... and no, I will not explain.  

But things get fuzzy and unsure around point #9 ... which is relieving in a certain regard because, just as long as we are believing in voodoo? At least I'm way more than half way through all this fucked up shit ... 


So here is the list I was talking about (it's Jungian, look the dude up if your curious, or better yet, read Joseph Campbell; I don't have the time to pontificate. Shit man, I read all this dude's shit when I was 20; now that I'm 48? I'm not about to stop and explain. But this here bit is a great introduction to his idea of the Hero mythos:


The Hero's Journey Outline
(copied from this page right here:'s_journey.htm)

The Hero’s Journey is a pattern of narrative identified by the American scholar Joseph Campbell that appears in drama, storytelling, myth, religious ritual, and psychological development.  It describes the typical adventure of the archetype known as The Hero, the person who goes out and achieves great deeds on behalf of the group, tribe, or civilization.
Its stages are:

1.        THE ORDINARY WORLD.  The hero, uneasy, uncomfortable or unaware, is introduced sympathetically so the audience can identify with the situation or dilemma.  The hero is shown against a background of environment, heredity, and personal history.  Some kind of polarity in the hero’s life is pulling in different directions and causing stress.

2.        THE CALL TO ADVENTURE.  Something shakes up the situation, either from external pressures or from something rising up from deep within, so the hero must face the beginnings of change. 

3.        REFUSAL OF THE CALL.  The hero feels the fear of the unknown and tries to turn away from the adventure, however briefly.  Alternately, another character may express the uncertainty and danger ahead.

4.        MEETING WITH THE MENTOR.  The hero comes across a seasoned traveler of the worlds who gives him or her training, equipment, or advice that will help on the journey.  Or the hero reaches within to a source of courage and wisdom.

5.        CROSSING THE THRESHOLD.  At the end of Act One, the hero commits to leaving the Ordinary World and entering a new region or condition with unfamiliar rules and values. 

6.        TESTS, ALLIES AND ENEMIES.  The hero is tested and sorts out allegiances in the Special World.

7.        APPROACH.  The hero and newfound allies prepare for the major challenge in the Special world.

8.        THE ORDEAL.  Near the middle of the story, the hero enters a central space in the Special World and confronts death or faces his or her greatest fear.  Out of the moment of death comes a new life. 

9.        THE REWARD.  The hero takes possession of the treasure won by facing death.  There may be celebration, but there is also danger of losing the treasure again.

10.      THE ROAD BACK.  About three-fourths of the way through the story, the hero is driven to complete the adventure, leaving the Special World to be sure the treasure is brought home.  Often a chase scene signals the urgency and danger of the mission.

11.     THE RESURRECTION.  At the climax, the hero is severely tested once more on the threshold of home.  He or she is purified by a last sacrifice, another moment of death and rebirth, but on a higher and more complete level.  By the hero’s action, the polarities that were in conflict at the beginning are finally resolved.

12.       RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR.  The hero returns home or continues the journey, bearing some element of the treasure that has the power to transform the world as the hero has been transformed.


(That's some fucking fucked up fucking shit right there, man.)



this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website,; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.


Friday, December 4, 2015

Changes have come and they are a come'n....

My life circumstances changed rather dramatically about three months ago ...

My roommate of the past 9 or so years, also a near life long member of a certain long standing political and intelligence group that I've been heavily involved with for the past 13 years, recently passed away. 

He passed of somewhat natural causes; he was in his late 50's. I will not go in to the complications that brought about his demise.

And recognizing the fact that I have not felt inclined to author any worrisome (or otherwise) bits here on my blog over the past year or more is evidence of the fact that my life, especially in regards to my ongoing living arrangements with this fellow (and our mutual acquaintances), has become increasingly more defined as something that could almost be called "normal;" it's certainly been vastly more enjoyable over the past five years because of my friendship with this person: I have worked the same daily job for nearly seven years. I have pursued my ongoing passion for high end audio listening gear, headphones, building custom computers, writing, reading, etc ... and for the past four years, I have been committed to a daily regimen of physical training, both strength training in the gym and especially, many miles logged trail running at Houston's Memorial Park mountain bike trails and can honestly say that I'm in the best physical, emotional and mental condition of my life; this latter bit regarding physical disciplines cannot be stressed enough as something that has become central to my ongoing happiness in this life. 

That link just above is to my personal Facebook page, BTW ... where, by intention, I make all content, at all times, totally public ... feel free to browse about, you'll find lots of porn and humor and nonsense ... and also some fairly serious shit in my "Notes" section; pardon the half naked photo, BTW ... but I'm quite proud ... four years ago I was well nigh obese and weighing over 230 pounds, today I go back and forth between 162lbs and 164lbs and maintain about 15% body fat; it's absolutely *centering* and therapeutic to pound my body into submission on a daily basis ... be it running six miles in the woods or spending two hours strength training in the gym ... it's a positively irreplaceable and productive habit and is one of the most important and fun things I currently get to enjoy in my life. 

Minor Concerns

His passing creates a few fleeting concerns for me, of course, and exactly related to all the drama and movements around me so acutely illustrated in the whole of my main website,

It is precisely because I have had a trustworthy friend and confidant over these years, some person that could absolutely testify to my daily behaviors when at home or otherwise not at work, that I have felt way less bothered by the very real movements that were made against me in the past: IE: "No, Joel was not smashing windows out of cars on the street last night cause I was home and up all night and would have seen him come and go." ... Or, "No, Joel didn't sneak in to the neighbors house and steal some woman's undergarments cause one, I know he's not some repressed freak and two, I was up all night and would have seen him come and go.".  (Don't scoff, this very last imagined scenario has already been attempted once in the distant past).  I mean to say, that considering there have been and probably still are, quite influential and determined folks trying to cast my person in a less than wholesome light via false incrimination and the like ... it's made a huge difference to share a home with a trustworthy and unswayable friend ... and the lack of this person in my life, as of now, is why I write.

So I'm living alone in this big ass house for the next few months...

Just three months prior to his passing, he had bought a new house in West Houston, where he and I had intended to move (from the other home we had shared for 7+ years). Ironically and sadly, the weekend we were to move, he collapsed in his room and would eventually succumb to his illness about a month later.

That said, and because the house had been paid for, his siblings (who inherited the house) have allowed me to stay in it on a rental basis through til March of 2016.

This is unbelievably kind of them and the gesture is not lost on me ... but it does create a dramatic bit of new circumstance for me regarding those persons/groups so often referred to in who I'm sure would still very much like to manipulate my life in to some circumstance under their jurisdiction.

Said plainly, I'm alone in a nice house on a street densely packed with families and professionals (it is a typical, rather nice middle class street) and the opportunity for nefarious actions against myself, those that would undeniably benefit from the fact that there is no other  person living with me, are made 1000x more enticing to orchestrate).

I'm not too worried about this and I'm certainly losing no sleep over it ... but long standing and quite ingrained protocols require that I publish this bit in advance of my enjoying the next few months in this lovely home:

Oh yeah, here is is, by the way ... just snapped this shot today (12/04/15):



Pretty dope, huh?  

It's super nice. My recently passed roommate had the entire interior re worked: new flooring and paint throughout and it's just pristine.

The truth is, had I my druthers, I would always rather live alone. I am a solitary person and prefer to spend any and all free time I have doting over my various interests and hobbies. I am a "tinkerer" at heart and never have enough time to see to the various pursuits I've chosen to be involved in (and no, that would *not* be amassing huge stock piles of underage women up-skirt videos) ... (humor, remember it) ... 

But the Fact Remains...

At one time and certainly today (because I know very well the nature of those who have set themselves against me), the desire of certain "forces"/agencies has been to cast myself in a sexually nefarious light. To do this, said agencies have used ongoing wrongful incrimination attempts which, across the board, have attempted to slot me in to some contrived circumstance that would seem to indicate that I am exhibiting some cliche' behavior associated with the gross and popular psychological "profiles" of such persons one might witness on any given night and on any given criminal investigation sitcom.

And just considering the absurdity of the above paragraph? It should be said...

I'm 48 years old and have *nothing* but a wealth of ridiculously wonderful relationships behind me ... both those serious and bordering on life long commitment and those frivolous, recreational and sexually playful; I have not been sheltered in regards to such things.  Not that it's anybodies business, but more so as a demonstration of the fact that I am not some closeted recluse lacking in sexual experience (though I really am a recluse and proud of it, but certainly not sexually closeted) ... I have to say, among those serious relationships and those not so? I would estimate that I've been with at least 40 romantic partners (I am Heterosexual, BTW) since I lost my virginity at the age of 15.  I mean prior to year 2001, that is ... when all this ridiculous and political and gross shit hit the proverbial fan.

It should also be said immediately following that sort of gross public statement above, that I have chosen to remain celibate until I have made some public resolution of these circumstances (namely, a provision of the Federal Bureau of Investigation documents, quite well known to exist by not only myself but many others who have acted as informants to the investigation, that will prove publicly that at least a degree of what I have written and ranted about over the years, is true). 

And it's true .... (other than one encounter with an "Old flame" a few years back) ... I have been completely celibate since year 2001.  I do not date. I do not ask women out and, should a woman ask *me* out, I politely decline (yes, this has happened and it hurt).  This commitment to celibacy is not the least bit problematic for me. At this point in life I am completely enthralled by the pursuit of my own personal betterment, physically, emotionally and also intellectually. I have very little time to myself outside of the pretty horrible day job that I work weekly (family company) and so when I have a few hours to myself? Honestly? I would vastly prefer to be alone. And besides, just regarding simple sexual needs? I can quite effectively see to those myself; I have no qualms with being a "DIY Guy" ... not in the slightest. And so far, no hair has grown on the palm of my hand.  

But all humor aside, a commitment to celibacy is essential as I've already seen two potentially great relationships with two really great females, completely ROUTED by the shit storm of social insanity outlined in my main site, ... one ruined by rumor and slander and one ruined because the woman in question had been coerced into attempting to manipulate me and I found her out (both horribly unacceptable) ... and I'm simply not going to go through it again. Thank god for internet porn is all I can say ,... 

I will write more about this in the next couple of days; this is a very loose, rough draft that it pains me to publish as it's most likely chock full of spelling and grammatical errors but since I've been living in this home, alone, for over a month now, I wanted to get these new circumstances out and into the ether while I had a few moments to write at the bar down the street from my house ...

Stay tuned for more as I will be filling in more important information ...

OH YEAH!!!  Almost forgot ... not that it's too related to this post but I have another blog wherein I have, quite literally, recorded every single days events over the past three years; it is not entertaining reading but it is *very* fucking thorough ... and it's especially important now that I am living alone....

this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website,; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.


Sunday, May 24, 2015

Bertrand Russell: As inhuman as they come

by Joel Harris

Bertrand Russell loved pontificating on his personally skewed views regarding popular mass psychology and especially how such views intersected with what he would refer to as the "governing classes"  (he was heavily influenced in his thinking by the likes of Freud and Pavlov, both quacks in their own right and it constantly comes through in his writing); in these various notably published works, some books, some peroidical entries, he would go on to mark himself as one of the most horribly imperialist and downright horrifying "anti-humanist" thinkers of not only his own time but of all time, period; he was never apologetic in this, either.

Take the most horrific of Hitlers eugenic ideologies, the most diabolical of Goebbels manipulations on the unsuspecting minds of the public and combine them with a general mood of social and professional acceptance among the vast majority of today's so called "intellectual elite" and you will know, in a very simple but accurate sense, who and what Bertrand Russell was and what he still so actutely represents. Oh yeah ... just consider the fundamental and core belief structure of the long standing British monarchical system and there too, you will find a very simple understanding of what drove the mind behind the following quotes, these being taken directly from two of Bertrand Russell's published works.

Consider the implications of his words below; and then take a long hard look at how today's media outlets are so carefully structured in regards to the availability, continuity and specifically the nature of the messages that we are all bombarded with on a 24 hour basis (radio stations, cable networks, news networks, local television, newspapers, popular magazines, billboards, music, the backs of taxi cabs, etc.); think about the persistently published content that this propaganda machine is endlessly concerned with (issues of racial hatred and racial fear, issues of religious conflict and religious fears, the general and constant buttressing of the manifold "enemy images" we see being developed at all times: be headings!, burned alive!, shootings! Russia did it! North Korea did it! China is certainly behind it! If not China then maybe your neighbor!) then consider how these messages, like an intellectually cancerous seed corn, have become rooted in the minds of just about all popular social structures, from schools to office buildings; from the general labor demographic to churches and synagogues and mosques; even the typical family dinner table has become a means of magnifying, protracting and propagating these messages.

It is a hideously well oiled machine that generates this smoke and that manufactures these mirrors; today, we call it popular or "mass" media.

Upon studying up on Bertrand Russell, it becomes chillingly clear what the psychological and social stance of the current day "ruling class" is and what this so called, "class" is most interested in regarding the general population; it's so neatly lined out here in the following two quotes, one from a 1930's publication and one from a much later book Russel authored in the 1950's; both bits acutely demonstrate Russell's obviously Nietzschean and even more so, Aristotelian ideas in regards to mass social and psychological dynamics (as opposed to a more humanist vein of thinking, possibly best illustrated by the Platonic tradition in philosophical thought).

Read these carefully and then again, consider what we see (especially among the youth) all around us today in day to day happenings...

This first bit is from a 1951 book by Bertrand Russell, calledThe Impact of Science on Society... 

Russell writes...

"Physiology and psychology afford fields for scientific technique which still await development. Two great men, Pavlov and Freud, have laid the foundation. I do not accept the view that they are in any essential conflict, but what structure will be built on their foundations is still in doubt. I think the subject which will be of most importance politically is mass psychology.... Its importance has been enormously increased by the growth of modern methods of propaganda. Of these the most influential is what is called 'education.' Religion plays a part, though a diminishing one; the press, the cinema, and the radio play an increasing part.... It may be hoped that in time anybody will be able to persuade anybody of anything if he can catch the patient young and is provided by the State with money and equipment.

"The subject will make great strides when it is taken up by scientists under a scientific dictatorship.... The social psychologists of the future will have a number of classes of school children on whom they will try different methods of producing an unshakable conviction that snow is black. Various results will soon be arrived at. First, that the influence of home is obstructive. Second, that not much can be done unless indoctrination begins before the age of ten. Third, that verses set to music and repeatedly intoned are very effective. Fourth, that the opinion that snow is white must be held to show a morbid taste for eccentricity. But I anticipate. It is for future scientists to make these maxims precise and discover exactly how much it costs per head to make children believe that snow is black, and how much less it would cost to make them believe it is dark gray. ...

"Although this science will be diligently studied, it will be rigidly confined to the governing class. The populace will not be allowed to know how its convictions were generated. When the technique has been perfected, every government that has been in charge of education for a generation will be able to control its subjects securely without the need of armies or policemen."

And this last, even more horrific bit is taken from Bertrand Russel's book called The Scientific Outlook in a chapter called "Education in a Scientific Society," he writes:

"[t]he scientific rulers will provide one kind of education for ordinary men and women, and another for those who are to become holders of scientific powerOrdinary men and women will be expected to be docile, industrious, punctual, thoughtless, and contented. Of these qualities probably contentment will be considered the most important. In order to produce it, all the researches of psycho-analysis, behaviorism, and biochemistry will be brought into play.... All the boys and girls will learn from an early age to be what is called 'co-operative,' i.e., to do exactly what everybody is doing. Initiative will be discouraged in these children, and insubordination, without being punished, will be scientifically trained out of them.

"Except for the one matter of loyalty to the world State and to their own order, members of the governing class will be encouraged to be adventurous and full of initiative. It will be recognized that it is their business to improve scientific technique, and to keep the manual workers contented by means of continual new amusements....

"On those rare occasions, when a boy or girl who has passed the age at which it is usual to determine social status shows such marked ability as to seem the intellectual equal of the rulers, a difficult situation will arise, requiring serious consideration. If the youth is content to abandon his previous associates and to throw in his lot whole-heartedly with the rulers, he may, after suitable tests, be promoted, but if he shows any regrettable solidarity with his previous associates, the rulers will reluctantly conclude that there is nothing to be done with him except to send him to the lethal chamber before his ill-disciplined intelligence has had time to spread revolt. This will be a painful duty to the rulers, but I think they will not shrink from performing it."

"Rulers" ... "ordinary men and women" ... "holders of scientific power" ... "governing class" ... "scientific dictatorship" ...

Over and over the same terms, the same obvious disdain for any sort of crazy notion like "the greater good," ... or that "all men are created equal" ... or that all citizens of our once great Republic are endowed by the Creator with "unalienable rights" ...

And perhaps the best closing comment I can come up with is pulled directly from the very same document a few of those last few quotes were taken from ... our very own Declaration of Independence; and I think it's perfect counterpoint to the near inhuman tone of Bertrand Russell's gross musings, almost an antidote of sorts really...

"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government" ...


this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website,; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.


Sunday, June 22, 2014

The same as it ever was (at least going back 15 years or so) ..

Things regarding are about the same as always ...

The FEDS regarding this tryst are still bashful about providing proof of an investigation and their many and varied psychotic minions still follow me about on a daily basis. I'm really not sure what they are trying to pull...

It's all good, though.  Shit man. I've even come to enjoy the attention..




Rock the fuck.


Saturday, April 26, 2014

My body resounds

I enjoy difficult things.

If it presses back as I press forward? Then I have come to understand this as good, as a lesson and proof that living is truly worth real human effort.

I enjoy problem solving.  

Not so much math, but otherwise elegant, graceful means of finding some sort of solution to some sort of conundrum. This happens all the time and every day in my very plain, waking moments and could be so simple of a thing as braking to let the car in front of me change lanes (which I always do and which always feels so fine).

Also, not adding my voice to ongoing social dramas makes a real difference. These dramas happen frequently in my life and it's very challenging to simply observe and not interject my own angle. This could also be seen as problem solving of a sort.

I take care of my tools.

My daily work is the most mundane of any daily work ever imagined but I nonetheless obsess on my tools, my gear, the process, how I can make any and every moment of that very real and very physical labor that much more efficient.

I've found this makes a real difference, this knack towards self observation, minding myself and holding myself accountable. If I cannot observe, love and challenge myself? Then how in the world can I contribute such things to some other? God forbid I should marry some poor woman before first resolving these things! Or, hopefully if I did, she would be toothy and wise and allowing.

I have developed an affinity for pain.

My mind is a muscle and, other than abs, is the most difficult for me to train. Learning to really use my mind, hurts like fucking hell. Should I light upon some new idea? Should I have an epiphany that I want to perfect? Then here come a hundred other intrusions to push me away from it. The League of Rejects(tm) is what I call this ugly influence, the tendency of one's own mind to always try and undo anything and everything that the mind is positively set upon achieving. "Everyone hates the prettiest in the room" is how the saying goes .. and it's true. If I'm to turn inward and utilize mind? If I'm to make a real example of myself? Then the naysayers incapable of the same, will always be there to hate. My task is to ignore them, which is paramount to impossibility. But I toil on, still...

My mind is my greatest ally.

"There are spooks up in our minds, all of us; do not let them push you around!"  --anonymous

My mind is greater than my body but strangely, more fragile. It requires such concentration to develop that, at times, I want to simply be body. But that would be disingenous and foolish and fatal, too.

My body resounds like a coil.

My body is old. It grows so by the minute, (as do all of ours) .. it carries with it the memories of such triumphs, such tragedies and such traumas! It harbors so much earthly love and learning that at times it blinds me to think back on all of it.  Full of potential, danger, history and quiet strength. My body thrums. It's almost vibratory or cyclical this physical thing I'm trying to get at, it's fundamental and I reckon can only be felt with a certain sort of balance in one's days: the right amount of sleep is important; the right amount and proper types of food, sex, play and otherwise recreation. Careful attention to the needs of the mind (as the mind should always rule the body). Physical training, be it lifting, dancing, running, fencing, wrestling or even surfing, for that matter...

Because the body, like any other animal that we would deem to control, should be trained. And it should always be ruled by the mind: economy of movement, grace, a humble dispostion and introspection. Emotional accountability. And, at all costs, introspection.

My body resounds.


this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website,; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.


The Official Daily Blog

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Houston, Texas, United States
This blog is a supplementary text to my main website at: The purpose of this blog is to form a semi daily dialogue related to personal circumstances as outlined in have fun.