Monday, January 4, 2016

Welcome to 2016 (and to insomnia) ...

So 2016 came through without a hitch here in Houston; personally, I stayed in New Years eve, sans alcohol and was in bed by 730pm (only to be startled awake around midnight by all the neighborhood gunfire).

I've made no resolutions as I don't really believe such are effective but I have set my course towards a more healthy lifestyle. My weekend habit of booze and video games has been replaced by more productive work (planning a new resume, job searching, home repairs, etc.) and though never really deviating to far from it's four year, ongoing course, my regular and important schedule of physical training, both weight training and running, is being analyzed and refined towards a more serious, goal oriented bent.

I'm excited about 2016 and the prospects it holds.


And then along comes this INSANELY *CLINICAL* case of fucking insomnia...

I'm not talking about the popular form of the affliction that so many folk claim to experience (and do) ... the random or regular losing of a few hours a night to tossing and turning, brooding or otherwise just not being able to sleep.  I'm talking about seriously life threatening bouts lasting for upwards of 48 hours or more of quite literally, NO SLEEP whatsoever.

I've never known anything like it and have no explanation for why it would be occurring. I do not consume caffeine after noon, generally on any given day of the week. I certainly don't partake of any illicit or otherwise recreational drugs or stimulants and for the most part, across any given week, maintain the same daily and/or weekly schedule.

It began occurring about six months ago, one or two days a week. Some weeks not occurring at all and then the following week, coming near nightly. As time has gone by and progressing up to the current day, it has magnified in intensity and occurs just about every week, at least four nights a week; oddly, the other nights, I might sleep rather okay, perhaps losing a few hours but coming from a 48 hour bout of insomnia, a 4 hour nights sleep is like paradise to the mind and body.

This, of course, has no connection at all with my ongoing efforts made public in jbhfile.com but it's something personal and recent that is greatly affecting my well being and so thought it worth writing about here on my more casual blog.


Historically?

I've traditionally, as a youth, young adult and now a middle aged man, had no problems with such disorders; I have always slept well and in fact, over the past 20 years (barring the past six months) have developed very tried and true meditative practices that have allowed me to put myself to sleep in as little as five minutes. Lately, though .. as this strange thing called "insomnia" has set upon me, these meditative practices do nothing to help.

I've tried all of the over the counter options for assistance and of them all, Diphenhydramine, an antihistamine (the main ingredient in Tylenol PM and the like) has been the only one that has been at times effective in helping me with the problem ... but it's sporadic at best and one builds up a tolerance too it quickly. The only other options, of course would be pharmaceutical grade sleep aids and I'm simply not going to explore those as I loath the idea of introducing such toxins in to my system.

But it's vexing to be sure. As I type, I have not slept in over 37 hours. I just finished a day at work and was hard pressed to simply pay attention to the matters at hand. I work in a very hazardous, dangerous and potentially lethal environment and this sort of debilitation is far and away the worst imaginable for such daily activity.

I've recently had discussions with a family member regarding the possibility of pursuing advice from a specialist if the situation does not better itself over the coming months; of course, upon visiting such a person would come mention of prescription drugs and I would flatly decline such an option as, again, I am wholly against the use of such potentially hazardous chemicals. 

Antihistamines like Diphenhydramine (aka Benadryl), I have been taking my entire life and know full well my tolerances for and reactions too and so I am not averse to the use of such but I will not go down the road of prescribed chemical experimentation. But perhaps some person specializing in the field could tell something via other means (blood tests, etc.) and so we have discussed it.

It's such a strange and horrible thing, insomnia ... affecting my physical training regimen (which is profoundly important to me) and also my work (which is mundane but necessary) ... and my hope is that it will disappear as quickly and as unexpectedly as it appeared ..

So coming in to 2016 as a new and hopefully great year ... I wanted to get that out on the intrawebz as one of the really strange, terrible .. but still  "new" phenomena that has recently cropped up in my life ...

Happy New Year and sleep well!!!


-------------------------------------------------------
this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------

jbh.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Hardship and hard lessons and harder trials...

Man it's been a long time since I've written anything here!

The past few years have seen a slow emotional and mental evolution within myself that sort of makes having spasmodic freak outs and the subsequent knee-jerk publishing of blog posts related to such, sort of unnecessary.


This is such a fine, fine thing.


I can't tell you how amazing it feels to actually be able to inwardly note, with precise and solid indicators (like marking a child's height on the wall), how much I've grown in regards to the management of my own mind, my thoughts, and especially my emotions.


This is a personal process, something perhaps only I am aware of or can speak of, that has every reason to be called "heroic" ... if only in a Jungian/Joseph Campbell regard.


Read some Carl Yung if you need more clarification (even better Joseph Campbell, cause he makes it almost easy to understand) as I will surely not be able to explain that bit of reference to psychological mythos ... personal trials, challenges, victories .. and finally bringing the fruits of those victories back to share with others who might benefit from them.


I know it might be a bit vague, but I mean some thing *very* specific with that last bit...



So here is a distilled version:


If you suffer hardship and hard lessons and harder trials in this life of yours and if you choose to then sputter out and die? By your own hand or the hand of others? (both are constantly, very real possibilities, I know) ...  If you are actually killed, made to go crazy or otherwise expire, by your own hand or that of others? Then there is no shame inherent in either case, and you should lose no sleep in the contemplation of either. Said plainly? "It's all good! You'll be planning a come back before you know it!" ...


Alternately...


If you suffer hardship and lessons and trials and then come to understand the nature of such? If you then, against ridiculous odds, choose to study it over many years and come to at least *some* degree of understanding of it? Should you chose to own it? And if you then bring that knowledge back to those who were present at the beginning of your hardship, or even humanity in general? With the full intent of sharing it? Then that is what Joseph Campbell would call the successful realization of a "hero's quest" ...


(from the video below) : "He/she has to come back ... or his quest isn't really finished at all"


Ironically .. as so much of my recent years seem to be .. here is a little video/song I wrote/made around 1996 or so ... a *long* time ago .. talking specifically about this idea ... the Jungian idea of the archetypal heroes quest ... I even reference Joseph Campbell (a popular "town shouter" in support of some of Jung's ideas) ... except, I call him "JC" ...


...





...



Regarding the psychology of a Jungian hero mythos?


The hero must always return to share some wisdom of his or her travails with the rest of the world; otherwise, the quest isn't really finished at all and the one thing said "hero" had quested for would be lost forever.


Think about it like this: if, in your travels and various difficulties, your myriad challenges and fights? If among such victories and failures you should find some life altering, some humanity altering discovery?  And if you chose to not share it with the world in a way that impacts the life of another human being? Then what good is that discovery? I mean, other than a purely selfish and personal gain? Then what good is it?  Cause then you would be jumping from Jung to Nietzsche and nobody really wants to do that now do they? LMAO ...


It's not even something I can describe adequately ... even with my formidable arsenal of metaphors and ghetto book knowledge!! ...



All that said..


The fact that my past 20 years have played out almost as a mirror to the idea expressed in the above video is quite funny.


I've had the choice of expiring or not expiring and I've always chosen to *not* expire (and on some occasions, I had no choice in such matters as it really was at the hands of others and at least on one particularly horrific occasion, I genuinely did expire but I came back ... true story) ...


I've been through hardship and hard lessons and harder trials ... and I decided to persevere (though there were moments of real trauma and doubt and there always will be) ... and I have decided to bring something back to share with others. Though I will be selfishly selective who I chose to share those things with ... cause I'm picky like that.


;-)


...



An Unofficial analysis of The Hero's Journey

I wanted to post something that I found online which is just fucking *uncanny* when considering the course of my own life over the past 15 years .. not that I think I'm special or that I feel superior ... but more so because I've been through really horrible, really violent things and have come out the other side, having learned invaluable truths along the way and because of said things; I am not saying this is how everyone might come to understand higher things ... but more so, that it's the way that I discovered such ... and I am grateful for such training ... regardless of the trauma, and quite literal "near death experiences" perpetuated by the various assaults against my person along the way. All is forgiven ... (though I still don't trust you who have been involved, or any one associated with you, at *ALL* ... and I will avoid all of you if at all possible; mark me.).

Carrying on...

The following is just uncanny to me because I can map certain events from my life over the past 15 years to each and every "waypoint" along the way of this "syllabus" ... in remarkably accurate consecutive order ... and no, I will not explain.  

But things get fuzzy and unsure around point #9 ... which is relieving in a certain regard because, just as long as we are believing in voodoo? At least I'm way more than half way through all this fucked up shit ... 

LMOA.

So here is the list I was talking about (it's Jungian, look the dude up if your curious, or better yet, read Joseph Campbell; I don't have the time to pontificate. Shit man, I read all this dude's shit when I was 20; now that I'm 48? I'm not about to stop and explain. But this here bit is a great introduction to his idea of the Hero mythos:

...

The Hero's Journey Outline
(copied from this page right here: 
http://www.thewritersjourney.com/hero's_journey.htm)



The Hero’s Journey is a pattern of narrative identified by the American scholar Joseph Campbell that appears in drama, storytelling, myth, religious ritual, and psychological development.  It describes the typical adventure of the archetype known as The Hero, the person who goes out and achieves great deeds on behalf of the group, tribe, or civilization.
Its stages are:

1.        THE ORDINARY WORLD.  The hero, uneasy, uncomfortable or unaware, is introduced sympathetically so the audience can identify with the situation or dilemma.  The hero is shown against a background of environment, heredity, and personal history.  Some kind of polarity in the hero’s life is pulling in different directions and causing stress.

2.        THE CALL TO ADVENTURE.  Something shakes up the situation, either from external pressures or from something rising up from deep within, so the hero must face the beginnings of change. 

3.        REFUSAL OF THE CALL.  The hero feels the fear of the unknown and tries to turn away from the adventure, however briefly.  Alternately, another character may express the uncertainty and danger ahead.

4.        MEETING WITH THE MENTOR.  The hero comes across a seasoned traveler of the worlds who gives him or her training, equipment, or advice that will help on the journey.  Or the hero reaches within to a source of courage and wisdom.

5.        CROSSING THE THRESHOLD.  At the end of Act One, the hero commits to leaving the Ordinary World and entering a new region or condition with unfamiliar rules and values. 

6.        TESTS, ALLIES AND ENEMIES.  The hero is tested and sorts out allegiances in the Special World.

7.        APPROACH.  The hero and newfound allies prepare for the major challenge in the Special world.

8.        THE ORDEAL.  Near the middle of the story, the hero enters a central space in the Special World and confronts death or faces his or her greatest fear.  Out of the moment of death comes a new life. 

9.        THE REWARD.  The hero takes possession of the treasure won by facing death.  There may be celebration, but there is also danger of losing the treasure again.

10.      THE ROAD BACK.  About three-fourths of the way through the story, the hero is driven to complete the adventure, leaving the Special World to be sure the treasure is brought home.  Often a chase scene signals the urgency and danger of the mission.

11.     THE RESURRECTION.  At the climax, the hero is severely tested once more on the threshold of home.  He or she is purified by a last sacrifice, another moment of death and rebirth, but on a higher and more complete level.  By the hero’s action, the polarities that were in conflict at the beginning are finally resolved.

12.       RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR.  The hero returns home or continues the journey, bearing some element of the treasure that has the power to transform the world as the hero has been transformed.

..


(That's some fucking fucked up fucking shit right there, man.)



...


-------------------------------------------------------

this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------

jbh.





Friday, December 4, 2015

Changes have come and they are a come'n....

My life circumstances changed rather dramatically about three months ago ...

My roommate of the past 9 or so years, also a near life long member of a certain long standing political and intelligence group that I've been heavily involved with for the past 13 years, recently passed away. 

He passed of somewhat natural causes; he was in his late 50's. I will not go in to the complications that brought about his demise.

And recognizing the fact that I have not felt inclined to author any worrisome (or otherwise) bits here on my blog over the past year or more is evidence of the fact that my life, especially in regards to my ongoing living arrangements with this fellow (and our mutual acquaintances), has become increasingly more defined as something that could almost be called "normal;" it's certainly been vastly more enjoyable over the past five years because of my friendship with this person: I have worked the same daily job for nearly seven years. I have pursued my ongoing passion for high end audio listening gear, headphones, building custom computers, writing, reading, etc ... and for the past four years, I have been committed to a daily regimen of physical training, both strength training in the gym and especially, many miles logged trail running at Houston's Memorial Park mountain bike trails and can honestly say that I'm in the best physical, emotional and mental condition of my life; this latter bit regarding physical disciplines cannot be stressed enough as something that has become central to my ongoing happiness in this life. 

That link just above is to my personal Facebook page, BTW ... where, by intention, I make all content, at all times, totally public ... feel free to browse about, you'll find lots of porn and humor and nonsense ... and also some fairly serious shit in my "Notes" section; pardon the half naked photo, BTW ... but I'm quite proud ... four years ago I was well nigh obese and weighing over 230 pounds, today I go back and forth between 162lbs and 164lbs and maintain about 15% body fat; it's absolutely *centering* and therapeutic to pound my body into submission on a daily basis ... be it running six miles in the woods or spending two hours strength training in the gym ... it's a positively irreplaceable and productive habit and is one of the most important and fun things I currently get to enjoy in my life. 

Minor Concerns

His passing creates a few fleeting concerns for me, of course, and exactly related to all the drama and movements around me so acutely illustrated in the whole of my main website, JBHFile.com.

It is precisely because I have had a trustworthy friend and confidant over these years, some person that could absolutely testify to my daily behaviors when at home or otherwise not at work, that I have felt way less bothered by the very real movements that were made against me in the past: IE: "No, Joel was not smashing windows out of cars on the street last night cause I was home and up all night and would have seen him come and go." ... Or, "No, Joel didn't sneak in to the neighbors house and steal some woman's undergarments cause one, I know he's not some repressed freak and two, I was up all night and would have seen him come and go.".  (Don't scoff, this very last imagined scenario has already been attempted once in the distant past).  I mean to say, that considering there have been and probably still are, quite influential and determined folks trying to cast my person in a less than wholesome light via false incrimination and the like ... it's made a huge difference to share a home with a trustworthy and unswayable friend ... and the lack of this person in my life, as of now, is why I write.


So I'm living alone in this big ass house for the next few months...

Just three months prior to his passing, he had bought a new house in West Houston, where he and I had intended to move (from the other home we had shared for 7+ years). Ironically and sadly, the weekend we were to move, he collapsed in his room and would eventually succumb to his illness about a month later.

That said, and because the house had been paid for, his siblings (who inherited the house) have allowed me to stay in it on a rental basis through til March of 2016.

This is unbelievably kind of them and the gesture is not lost on me ... but it does create a dramatic bit of new circumstance for me regarding those persons/groups so often referred to in JBHFile.com who I'm sure would still very much like to manipulate my life in to some circumstance under their jurisdiction.

Said plainly, I'm alone in a nice house on a street densely packed with families and professionals (it is a typical, rather nice middle class street) and the opportunity for nefarious actions against myself, those that would undeniably benefit from the fact that there is no other  person living with me, are made 1000x more enticing to orchestrate).

I'm not too worried about this and I'm certainly losing no sleep over it ... but long standing and quite ingrained protocols require that I publish this bit in advance of my enjoying the next few months in this lovely home:

Oh yeah, here is is, by the way ... just snapped this shot today (12/04/15):

...



...

Pretty dope, huh?  

It's super nice. My recently passed roommate had the entire interior re worked: new flooring and paint throughout and it's just pristine.

The truth is, had I my druthers, I would always rather live alone. I am a solitary person and prefer to spend any and all free time I have doting over my various interests and hobbies. I am a "tinkerer" at heart and never have enough time to see to the various pursuits I've chosen to be involved in (and no, that would *not* be amassing huge stock piles of underage women up-skirt videos) ... (humor, remember it) ... 


But the Fact Remains...

At one time and certainly today (because I know very well the nature of those who have set themselves against me), the desire of certain "forces"/agencies has been to cast myself in a sexually nefarious light. To do this, said agencies have used ongoing wrongful incrimination attempts which, across the board, have attempted to slot me in to some contrived circumstance that would seem to indicate that I am exhibiting some cliche' behavior associated with the gross and popular psychological "profiles" of such persons one might witness on any given night and on any given criminal investigation sitcom.

And just considering the absurdity of the above paragraph? It should be said...

I'm 48 years old and have *nothing* but a wealth of ridiculously wonderful relationships behind me ... both those serious and bordering on life long commitment and those frivolous, recreational and sexually playful; I have not been sheltered in regards to such things.  Not that it's anybodies business, but more so as a demonstration of the fact that I am not some closeted recluse lacking in sexual experience (though I really am a recluse and proud of it, but certainly not sexually closeted) ... I have to say, among those serious relationships and those not so? I would estimate that I've been with at least 40 romantic partners (I am Heterosexual, BTW) since I lost my virginity at the age of 15.  I mean prior to year 2001, that is ... when all this ridiculous and political and gross shit hit the proverbial fan.

It should also be said immediately following that sort of gross public statement above, that I have chosen to remain celibate until I have made some public resolution of these circumstances (namely, a provision of the Federal Bureau of Investigation documents, quite well known to exist by not only myself but many others who have acted as informants to the investigation, that will prove publicly that at least a degree of what I have written and ranted about over the years, is true). 

And it's true .... (other than one encounter with an "Old flame" a few years back) ... I have been completely celibate since year 2001.  I do not date. I do not ask women out and, should a woman ask *me* out, I politely decline (yes, this has happened and it hurt).  This commitment to celibacy is not the least bit problematic for me. At this point in life I am completely enthralled by the pursuit of my own personal betterment, physically, emotionally and also intellectually. I have very little time to myself outside of the pretty horrible day job that I work weekly (family company) and so when I have a few hours to myself? Honestly? I would vastly prefer to be alone. And besides, just regarding simple sexual needs? I can quite effectively see to those myself; I have no qualms with being a "DIY Guy" ... not in the slightest. And so far, no hair has grown on the palm of my hand.  

But all humor aside, a commitment to celibacy is essential as I've already seen two potentially great relationships with two really great females, completely ROUTED by the shit storm of social insanity outlined in my main site, JBHFILE.com ... one ruined by rumor and slander and one ruined because the woman in question had been coerced into attempting to manipulate me and I found her out (both horribly unacceptable) ... and I'm simply not going to go through it again. Thank god for internet porn is all I can say ,... 

I will write more about this in the next couple of days; this is a very loose, rough draft that it pains me to publish as it's most likely chock full of spelling and grammatical errors but since I've been living in this home, alone, for over a month now, I wanted to get these new circumstances out and into the ether while I had a few moments to write at the bar down the street from my house ...

Stay tuned for more as I will be filling in more important information ...

OH YEAH!!!  Almost forgot ... not that it's too related to this post but I have another blog wherein I have, quite literally, recorded every single days events over the past three years; it is not entertaining reading but it is *very* fucking thorough ... and it's especially important now that I am living alone....





-------------------------------------------------------
this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------

jbh.










Sunday, May 24, 2015

Bertrand Russell: As inhuman as they come

by Joel Harris

Bertrand Russell loved pontificating on his personally skewed views regarding popular mass psychology and especially how such views intersected with what he would refer to as the "governing classes"  (he was heavily influenced in his thinking by the likes of Freud and Pavlov, both quacks in their own right and it constantly comes through in his writing); in these various notably published works, some books, some peroidical entries, he would go on to mark himself as one of the most horribly imperialist and downright horrifying "anti-humanist" thinkers of not only his own time but of all time, period; he was never apologetic in this, either.

Take the most horrific of Hitlers eugenic ideologies, the most diabolical of Goebbels manipulations on the unsuspecting minds of the public and combine them with a general mood of social and professional acceptance among the vast majority of today's so called "intellectual elite" and you will know, in a very simple but accurate sense, who and what Bertrand Russell was and what he still so actutely represents. Oh yeah ... just consider the fundamental and core belief structure of the long standing British monarchical system and there too, you will find a very simple understanding of what drove the mind behind the following quotes, these being taken directly from two of Bertrand Russell's published works.

Consider the implications of his words below; and then take a long hard look at how today's media outlets are so carefully structured in regards to the availability, continuity and specifically the nature of the messages that we are all bombarded with on a 24 hour basis (radio stations, cable networks, news networks, local television, newspapers, popular magazines, billboards, music, the backs of taxi cabs, etc.); think about the persistently published content that this propaganda machine is endlessly concerned with (issues of racial hatred and racial fear, issues of religious conflict and religious fears, the general and constant buttressing of the manifold "enemy images" we see being developed at all times: be headings!, burned alive!, shootings! Russia did it! North Korea did it! China is certainly behind it! If not China then maybe your neighbor!) then consider how these messages, like an intellectually cancerous seed corn, have become rooted in the minds of just about all popular social structures, from schools to office buildings; from the general labor demographic to churches and synagogues and mosques; even the typical family dinner table has become a means of magnifying, protracting and propagating these messages.

It is a hideously well oiled machine that generates this smoke and that manufactures these mirrors; today, we call it popular or "mass" media.

Upon studying up on Bertrand Russell, it becomes chillingly clear what the psychological and social stance of the current day "ruling class" is and what this so called, "class" is most interested in regarding the general population; it's so neatly lined out here in the following two quotes, one from a 1930's publication and one from a much later book Russel authored in the 1950's; both bits acutely demonstrate Russell's obviously Nietzschean and even more so, Aristotelian ideas in regards to mass social and psychological dynamics (as opposed to a more humanist vein of thinking, possibly best illustrated by the Platonic tradition in philosophical thought).

Read these carefully and then again, consider what we see (especially among the youth) all around us today in day to day happenings...

This first bit is from a 1951 book by Bertrand Russell, calledThe Impact of Science on Society... 

Russell writes...

"Physiology and psychology afford fields for scientific technique which still await development. Two great men, Pavlov and Freud, have laid the foundation. I do not accept the view that they are in any essential conflict, but what structure will be built on their foundations is still in doubt. I think the subject which will be of most importance politically is mass psychology.... Its importance has been enormously increased by the growth of modern methods of propaganda. Of these the most influential is what is called 'education.' Religion plays a part, though a diminishing one; the press, the cinema, and the radio play an increasing part.... It may be hoped that in time anybody will be able to persuade anybody of anything if he can catch the patient young and is provided by the State with money and equipment.

"The subject will make great strides when it is taken up by scientists under a scientific dictatorship.... The social psychologists of the future will have a number of classes of school children on whom they will try different methods of producing an unshakable conviction that snow is black. Various results will soon be arrived at. First, that the influence of home is obstructive. Second, that not much can be done unless indoctrination begins before the age of ten. Third, that verses set to music and repeatedly intoned are very effective. Fourth, that the opinion that snow is white must be held to show a morbid taste for eccentricity. But I anticipate. It is for future scientists to make these maxims precise and discover exactly how much it costs per head to make children believe that snow is black, and how much less it would cost to make them believe it is dark gray. ...

"Although this science will be diligently studied, it will be rigidly confined to the governing class. The populace will not be allowed to know how its convictions were generated. When the technique has been perfected, every government that has been in charge of education for a generation will be able to control its subjects securely without the need of armies or policemen."


And this last, even more horrific bit is taken from Bertrand Russel's book called The Scientific Outlook in a chapter called "Education in a Scientific Society," he writes:

"[t]he scientific rulers will provide one kind of education for ordinary men and women, and another for those who are to become holders of scientific powerOrdinary men and women will be expected to be docile, industrious, punctual, thoughtless, and contented. Of these qualities probably contentment will be considered the most important. In order to produce it, all the researches of psycho-analysis, behaviorism, and biochemistry will be brought into play.... All the boys and girls will learn from an early age to be what is called 'co-operative,' i.e., to do exactly what everybody is doing. Initiative will be discouraged in these children, and insubordination, without being punished, will be scientifically trained out of them.

"Except for the one matter of loyalty to the world State and to their own order, members of the governing class will be encouraged to be adventurous and full of initiative. It will be recognized that it is their business to improve scientific technique, and to keep the manual workers contented by means of continual new amusements....

"On those rare occasions, when a boy or girl who has passed the age at which it is usual to determine social status shows such marked ability as to seem the intellectual equal of the rulers, a difficult situation will arise, requiring serious consideration. If the youth is content to abandon his previous associates and to throw in his lot whole-heartedly with the rulers, he may, after suitable tests, be promoted, but if he shows any regrettable solidarity with his previous associates, the rulers will reluctantly conclude that there is nothing to be done with him except to send him to the lethal chamber before his ill-disciplined intelligence has had time to spread revolt. This will be a painful duty to the rulers, but I think they will not shrink from performing it."


"Rulers" ... "ordinary men and women" ... "holders of scientific power" ... "governing class" ... "scientific dictatorship" ...

Over and over the same terms, the same obvious disdain for any sort of crazy notion like "the greater good," ... or that "all men are created equal" ... or that all citizens of our once great Republic are endowed by the Creator with "unalienable rights" ...

And perhaps the best closing comment I can come up with is pulled directly from the very same document a few of those last few quotes were taken from ... our very own Declaration of Independence; and I think it's perfect counterpoint to the near inhuman tone of Bertrand Russell's gross musings, almost an antidote of sorts really...

"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government" ...


[end]



-------------------------------------------------------
this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------

jbh.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

The same as it ever was (at least going back 15 years or so) ..

Things regarding JBHFILE.com are about the same as always ...

The FEDS regarding this tryst are still bashful about providing proof of an investigation and their many and varied psychotic minions still follow me about on a daily basis. I'm really not sure what they are trying to pull...

It's all good, though.  Shit man. I've even come to enjoy the attention..

..

!!!!!

..

Rock the fuck.

.joel

Saturday, April 26, 2014

My body resounds


I enjoy difficult things.

If it presses back as I press forward? Then I have come to understand this as good, as a lesson and proof that living is truly worth real human effort.

I enjoy problem solving.  

Not so much math, but otherwise elegant, graceful means of finding some sort of solution to some sort of conundrum. This happens all the time and every day in my very plain, waking moments and could be so simple of a thing as braking to let the car in front of me change lanes (which I always do and which always feels so fine).

Also, not adding my voice to ongoing social dramas makes a real difference. These dramas happen frequently in my life and it's very challenging to simply observe and not interject my own angle. This could also be seen as problem solving of a sort.

I take care of my tools.

My daily work is the most mundane of any daily work ever imagined but I nonetheless obsess on my tools, my gear, the process, how I can make any and every moment of that very real and very physical labor that much more efficient.

I've found this makes a real difference, this knack towards self observation, minding myself and holding myself accountable. If I cannot observe, love and challenge myself? Then how in the world can I contribute such things to some other? God forbid I should marry some poor woman before first resolving these things! Or, hopefully if I did, she would be toothy and wise and allowing.

I have developed an affinity for pain.

My mind is a muscle and, other than abs, is the most difficult for me to train. Learning to really use my mind, hurts like fucking hell. Should I light upon some new idea? Should I have an epiphany that I want to perfect? Then here come a hundred other intrusions to push me away from it. The League of Rejects(tm) is what I call this ugly influence, the tendency of one's own mind to always try and undo anything and everything that the mind is positively set upon achieving. "Everyone hates the prettiest in the room" is how the saying goes .. and it's true. If I'm to turn inward and utilize mind? If I'm to make a real example of myself? Then the naysayers incapable of the same, will always be there to hate. My task is to ignore them, which is paramount to impossibility. But I toil on, still...

My mind is my greatest ally.

"There are spooks up in our minds, all of us; do not let them push you around!"  --anonymous

My mind is greater than my body but strangely, more fragile. It requires such concentration to develop that, at times, I want to simply be body. But that would be disingenous and foolish and fatal, too.

My body resounds like a coil.

My body is old. It grows so by the minute, (as do all of ours) .. it carries with it the memories of such triumphs, such tragedies and such traumas! It harbors so much earthly love and learning that at times it blinds me to think back on all of it.  Full of potential, danger, history and quiet strength. My body thrums. It's almost vibratory or cyclical this physical thing I'm trying to get at, it's fundamental and I reckon can only be felt with a certain sort of balance in one's days: the right amount of sleep is important; the right amount and proper types of food, sex, play and otherwise recreation. Careful attention to the needs of the mind (as the mind should always rule the body). Physical training, be it lifting, dancing, running, fencing, wrestling or even surfing, for that matter...

Because the body, like any other animal that we would deem to control, should be trained. And it should always be ruled by the mind: economy of movement, grace, a humble dispostion and introspection. Emotional accountability. And, at all costs, introspection.

My body resounds.


[end]



-------------------------------------------------------
this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------

jbh.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

A man should not fear his work...


I've written before (many times actually) of how the sordid movements against me over the years have pretty much destroyed my historic and traditional career in visual and software interface design. In fact, by far the greatest effort made on the part of the “investigators” and early on, was to prevent me from gaining any gainful (if I may) employment in that field (really, anything to do with computers as I'm also very skilled in networking and hardware disciplines in general).

Back around year 2001, when I was leaving my last important design position (Art Director at a prominent Houston design firm) and while seeking new employment, I had a funny but telling experience. It's sort of indicative of just how badly they(tm) were working to prevent me from working and it was also, very much, an effort to quite literally loose my mental hinges.

And it worked, freaked my shit real bad to be honest and eventually I would crack under the sort of daily experiences like the one I'm about to describe:

I had just been hired at another design firm, also a fairly prominent group here in Houston, and after leaving my initial meeting with the owners/management … and as I was walking down the stairs to go to my car, a plainly dressed guy came up the stairs and passed me and as he did so, he muttered under his breath … “Don't get too comfortable in your new job.” Any normal civilian would have said, “Excuse me? What did you say?” … but I was acutely aware of the movements around and regarding me and had been for some time and so I knew all too well why the comment was made. To have inquired would have assuredly garnered a response of the sort, “I'm sorry but I didn't say anything.”

Believe it … true story.

Anyway … before I waste a lot of breath on old stories that really aren't too much about what I want to get at with this bit, I'll stop.


Work that's not work...

But suffice it to say, my professional background is in software interface design … also, visual design in general. 

I enjoy all sorts of visual design, from book covers to brochures to posters to custom DVD productions for my niece to t-shirts to even general text layout as evidenced in my own site jbhfile.com (pretty much the greatest text based site I've ever personally designed and built) ,... but by far, software interface design is my main love. 

The task of gathering together some strange new groups various processes and problems and coordinating with a team of similarly passionate professionals in an effort to craft an elegant solution via mathematical logic and visual interfaces is pretty much akin to the most enjoyable and rewarding sort of “play” for me that I can imagine (it was, anyway); I never once thought of it as work and would never stop doing it … even after I left the nine to five … I went to bed thinking about it, woke up thinking about it and could not wait for the next significant milestone to be reached as any given project progressed. And upon completion of each and every project, it felt like I'd just reached the summit of some new and monumental peak; it was and is a transcendentally enjoyable process, this task of creating something beautiful and functional, basically from nothing. 

The fact that people were paying me upwards of $60 dollars an hour to do the work was sort of beside the point … I would have done that shit for free, to be honest, and so the huge pay checks were quite literally, “gravy.”

And, as I'll eventually get too … I really am currently doing it for free … and as I find the time and the clients I find interesting enough to commit too. Not so much software design, but at least visual design of a sort. But more on that several blocks of text down …


A man should not fear his work...

All that said and as a direct consequence of being the victim of a hugely sweeping and constant smear campaign (they call it an investigation, LOL), I've been fixing flats tires for 12 dollars an hour for the past 8 years. 

No shit. 

I do it every day and it sucks the proverbial fucking ass. It's brutally physical (imagine flipping over 400lb tires all day), hideously dirty, incredibly dangerous labor (most of the work is on huge tires forfork trucks and the like). It's truly the bottom of the labor-pool barrel; not as any slight against them cause I've found some of them to be strangely stand-up guys … but the majority of the guys I work side by side with are ex convicts (from murder to robbery to drugs, you name it). It's the only job that these guys can get. And, for the past 15 years, it's been the only job I can get as well.

I make daily attempts to manage my emotional reactions to the work because it really is something horrible to have to wake up looking at each and every Monday and the tendency to become angered or feel sorry for myself is, admittedly a real factor (I'm human). And in fact, in my better moments, I've actually managed to see the work as some sort of personal and challenging daily lesson in how best to manage my self and especially my emotional reactions to having to endure horrible things; being prone to self observation, being a person who is genuinely bugged when he observes his self acting and behaving idiotically or childishly, I've really at times found the work beneficial as a learning device and in regards to how best to manage my ever developing self. 

All that sensitive shit said? 

At 46 years of age, though in super fucking good physical shape (yes, I can brag) ... I genuinely have very real fear reactions every time some new task is given to me to complete because invariably it will involve tremendous physical labor, heat, sweating, tremendous physical labor, being covered in chemicals and grease, tremendous physical labor, constantly busted fingers and other body parts, and other, generally horrible things like tremendously physical labor. I am one of the only two guys at our company who can go out on "road calls" (the others don't have drivers licenses because they are either immigrants or ex-cons) ... and I swear, every time our fucking phone rings (it's broadcast on an external speaker) ... my heart leaps into my throat and adrenaline spurts in to my veins cause I know it's some Port of Houston facility calling to have me come out and do some god fucking awful, horrible thing.

If a man fears his work, then he is obviously in the wrong line of work; this is something I repeat to myself constantly and as a mantra some particularly horrible days ... it doesn't help much but it at least keeps me constantly aware of the fact that I'm far better and more utilized as a human resource when employed doing the things I love. Meh... 

This current and horrific labor that I see to on a daily basis stands in such utter and complete contrast to the sort of work I was doing before that at times I can't help but feel I'm acting in some sort of cosmic, dark comedy of a play (and in fact, I know it to be the case that I kind of really am, but that's not for this blog post). In my previous and traditional profession as a design professional, me and my fellows would literally fight over who got to do any given task/project; it was that important and that fun to us. Hugely competitive and hugely rewarding. 

Some funny shit is that if you look at the “about” section on my ridiculous Facebook page, you'll see an employment listing that looks something like this:

  • 1995-1996 – Lead interface designer for (insert some design firms name)
  • 1996-1997 – Lead interface designer for (insert Houston's only major newspaper's name)
  • 1997-2000 - Assistant Vice President to Treasury Solutions/Art Director/Lead Interface designer (insert name of the largest bank on the planet)
  • 2000-2001 – Art Director/Lead Interface designer at (insert largest digital book repository/archive on the planet)
  • 2001-2002 – Art Director at (insert major Houston software development company/Ad agency)
  • 2002-2014 – Fixing flats for 12 dollars an hour; it sucks fucking ass

Oh, I can laugh at that now, thank god … but time was when it really hurt. And that above list is pretty much verbatim from my stupid ass Facebook page

As a brief aside ... I hate Facebook. I just use it to post filth, pornography, religiously blasphemous tirades and otherwise to try and piss my more family oriented friends off. I actually play a sort of game to see how many people I can get to “friend” me and then see how quickly I can get them to delete me. It's so fucking fun and so I guess, in that regard, it has some worth. Oh yeah, as weird as every one I know might find it … I post lots of very serious stuff about my ongoing effort around jbhfile.com and my ongoing attempt to publicly prove an investigation of myself has, indeed, existed over the past 15+ years. I also publish lots of personal writing under the notes section.


I'll do this shit for free...

Anyway … as mentioned above, I've been doing a bit of pro bono, free design work. Lately it's involved doing book covers for a really cool, non profit, small press publisher called Nostrovia!. They've published some of my poetry in the past (I actually won a fucking writing contest!) and so, knowing my professional background in design, they invited me to assist with some design work. The covers are for digital books that are published in .PDF format and ultimately are uploaded to online sites like Isssu.com, and I can't even begin to describe how refreshing it has been to be involved with the work.

It's very fast turn around as they hit me with about 12 books at once and so with hugely limited free/personal time, I've had to pretty much crank it out in “turbo design” mode … the ideas/conceptual work isn't that deep because of these time constraints but I get to use some personal photography and have complete creative license in so far as how I might choose to illustrate any given set of poems (they are published in what is known in the writing scene as, “chapbooks.”). Further, I am doing all page by page content presentation and layout, as well as a bit of branding/logo/identity work for the Nostrovia! group in general.

So to the point of this typically winded bit of a blog post ...


The free work I've been doing of late...

Following are some of the book covers I've recently completed ... as well as some of the content pages from the actual digital books that we are publishing. 

I did everything you see here (except where noted/credited) ... layout, photography, typography, compositing, etc. The tools used are primarily Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator and Serif Page Plus (this last one, a really simple but very effective page layout program similar but far inferior to Adobe Indesign).

And, over the coming months, I look forward to doing more for these fine folk. And ... of course ... for fucking free. Why? Because I love it...

A man should not fear his work; he should run towards it.

;-)

...

EXPLAINED:
This is one of my favorites cause it involved the most production work. I shot the little bits of paper with my cel phone (believe it or not) and then composited the cover together in photoshop using layers of the poetry overlayed with various other blending/collage techniques. Turned out pretty cool. Reminds me of the color scheme/design approach used on the walls of a lot of the Starbucks coffee shop interiors, I've seen (LMFAO. I also include here a couple other shots from the same book showing how the content pages follow the theme set by the cover. The vintage porn photo is from a public domain photo repository of images over 100 years old, bit of trivia there ... :

...







...

EXPLAINED:
The following is a smaller book we've done, using a slightly diminished canvas size and a different branding style on the content pages ... the type treatment was fun; typography, fonts and the selection of such for any given project gives me a real geek stiffy. I've also included a content page. All of this was done in Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Illustrator:





...

EXPLAINED:
Here is another of the larger publications; it's obviously an Elvis themed bit of writing (check the poem on the content page; the girl is good). The Elvis image was found at a public domain, newspaper repository. I did the faux-halftone effect in Photoshop. Turned out nice. Burnt orange, in all it's variants, is my favorite color; I actually have to police myself or I'll use it in every project without even knowing it. Also included a content page below:







...

EXPLAINED:
This is a pretty straightforward bit of cover work. I was pressed for time and so had to let a dominant photo carry the mood/message of the cover. The image of the building is something I randomly shot in downtown Houston many years ago. I found it in my closet and thought it went nice with the mood of the poems and so used it. I totally love that photo. So stark and direlect. Also included is a content page showing a photo illustration for one of the poems. The photo was sent to me by a photography friend of mine who lives in Holland. She shot it specifically for this project. I fucking love collaborating:






EXPLAINED:
Finally, here's a logotype I did as something the publisher can begin using throughout it's published works and as a means of developing an readily identified brand. Following the first photo is an example of the various ways it has been  presented throughout the various books:














But for now, I'm fixing flats...

Perhaps some day I'll again be able to seek gainful employment doing something I love, perhaps not. 

The forces at work here, those that have been set against me over the past 14 years, at least in a temporal, corporeal regard ... are formidable (and no, local East Houston Law Enforcement Goons, I don't mean you, god bless you ... your just doing what nature made you to do .. and in a way, that's a really positive thing); but, this? This shit I'm dealing with? And you thinking that your dealing with me? This whole queer drama? It's something else entirely and it has it's beginnings in folk and forces way behind and above your own, admittedly, persistent stumbling. I mean no insult by that. It's simply true...

Persons with vast financial resources and equally expansive social influence have a pretty easy go of destroying a person's well being/opportunities should the desire take them. But, as I vaguely alluded to, above ... that influence and power is fleeting at best and so, in the long run, knowing what has real value, I will persist in my mundane, dangerous and horrifying daily labor. 

What I personally hold out for and why I've refused to prostrate myself at the feet of the various "offers" that have been made regarding a resolution to the circumstances outlined in jbhfile.com (and there have been offers) is something I know beyond any doubt, that I will take with me when I leave this heavy and sweaty and really, sort of cumbersome earthly living: principle, truth and justice. 

Compromising the idea of principle and truth for the sake of comfort, sex, monetary gain, a new car or job or anything else ... is simply not an option for me. I have no clue why this is. I had a fairly typical upbringing in a fairly typical middle class home. I attended public schools. I broke hearts and had my heart broke. I had sex by the age of 15. I got in to trouble and I redeemed myself, afterward. I made straight D's in High School. I made straight A's in college. Pretty normal as life courses go. But when faced with the prospect of accepting a bribe? And contrary to what 99.9% of my long standing and traditional so called friends would choose?

Shit ... I'll sling dirt and tires and labor till my body gives out before I'll compromise myself so grossly. And so, there it is...

The irony is that I'm surrounded by persons who embody the precise opposite of this idea; many of them are and have been informants to the ongoing, and so called, "investigation" of myself over the years; and many of them are folks who I once thought of as friends (and who I now know to be simple, and oh-so malleable tools).

As for the powers set against me? The so called "social leaders" and "political figures" who wield their influence and power so abusively? Theirs will not be a lasting influence. And I personally believe that that very same power will perish with the flesh of those who are currently waving it about like some fat brute with a stick. But that's just me waxing poetic and so who the fuck knows?

(Fuck me, man. I got a little goddamn metaphysical there at the end, huh? LMFAO ... oh well ... I do have a serious side, you know.)

Hope you've enjoyed the pornography.

Rock.


-------------------------------------------------------
this post is intended to be supplemental to the facts made public in my main website, http://www.jbhfile.com/; it probably will not make much sense to you if you have not already made yourself aware of the legal and personal efforts discussed in that site. please see http://www.jbhfile.com/ for a necessary introduction into why this blog exists. or, if you just like reading weird stuff, then don't. and, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------

jbh.







The jbhFILE.com Official Daily Blog

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Houston, Texas, United States
This blog is a supplementary text to my main website at: http://www.jbhfile.com. The purpose of this blog is to form a semi daily dialogue related to personal circumstances as outlined in jbhFILE.com. have fun.